


Habromania (MakoHaru Mental Ward AU)

by LovingTheWater



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Boys' Love, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fake Happiness, Haru has Dissociative Identity Disorder, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Makoto Has Dark Secrets, Maybe A Bitter Ending I Don't Know Yet, Memory Issues, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of homophobia, My First Try In This Genre, No Smut, Paranormal (?), Possessive Nanase Haruka, Psychiatrist Tachibana Makoto, Psychological Horror, Secrets, Self-Harm, There May Be A Cliff Ending (?), Yandere Nanase Haruka, makoharu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 26,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25241821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingTheWater/pseuds/LovingTheWater
Summary: Habromania: Delusions of happiness.╭┈─────── ೄྀ╰┈➤  Makoto Tachibana is a successful psychiatrist with secrets that he wanted to run away.But what if a nightmare from his past comes back? Is it too late to fix everything?♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡"Haru!" Makoto screamed, standing a few meters away from his beloved.Haru smiled in sadness. He didn't even think about how Makoto found him. "Can't you hear, Makoto? The sea is calling me." Haru spoke as he was walking closer to the edge. "This is the end Makoto."
Relationships: Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei, Matsuoka Rin / Nanase Haruka (In The Past), Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 83
Kudos: 27





	1. Fallen Angel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ImmediatelyWriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don't own anything but plot. 
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains bad language, mentions of death and bullying. If you are not comfortable or affected badly, please don't read it. 
> 
> This story is boy x boy. If you don't like it please don't read it.
> 
> English is not my main language. I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
> 
> I decided to gift this work to ImmediatelyWriting (my new friend) :3

_Makoto took a deep breath before walking into his new work place. He wiped his sweaty hands to his pants. He was so nervous. This job was so important for him and Makoto had always been a serious man. That was the reason why he was accepted into this mental ward which has that much prestige._

_They called him for a special patient. Makoto was an expert about mental diseases. He helped numerous serious cases to heal and brought them back to the society. Some of the patients were at a young age and their parents were grateful to Makoto for bringing their children back. The doctors were counting on him about this patient._

_Makoto was checking the files while walking down the dim hall. It was a little hard to read. When one of the lights flickered Makoto trembled. He chuckled. He was a doctor and heard horrible stories from his patients. A flickering light shouldn't have scared him. Makoto read the patient's file._

_His name was Haruka Nanase and he was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. He had two different personalities: One of them is distant to people and doesn't seem like he cares about them while the other one is extremely aggressive, possessive and violent to the people._

_He was brought to the mental ward for the first time after he went to his classmate's, who used to bully him, house and beat him out in the middle of the night. After the incident he claimed that he didn't remember how or why he went there or what he did. That was when his parents suspected that something was wrong with him._

_Makoto's eyes were caught on Haru's photo. It didn't seem like he was a dangerous person, but Makoto knew very well that appearances could be deceptive. Makoto thought he saw those blue eyes before, but he couldn't remember where or when. Those eyes were the most beautiful things he had ever seen in his life._

_'Those eyes can be belong to an angel,' Makoto thought to himself. 'Well in this case... To a fallen angel... To an angel who accidentally fell into the hell which is full of devils.'_

_'Get a grip on yourself! He is a dangerous patient!' The logical part of his mind screamed at him. Makoto felt sick in his stomach while he was reading the file. The first person he beated up had broken ribs and had a head trauma. His second victim was a 16 years old girl. He had stabbed her for an unknown reason and, again, he claimed that he didn't remember anything. The girl he assaulted had stayed in coma for a week. Luckily she had recovered._

_'This guy is a real demon,' Makoto thought._

_'Is he?'_

_It was like his mind divided into two and had a war inside his head. While he was lost in these thoughts, he bumped to someone and the file in his hand landed to the ground._

_"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Makoto said frantically while he was picking up the files._

_"It's okay," the other person helped Makoto to gather the files. "You must be the new doctor. We were informed about you. I'm Rin Matsuoka." Rin offered his hand to Makoto to shake._

_Makoto shook Rin's hand and gave him a warm smile. "Yes, I'm Makoto Tachibana. I'm here for Haruka Nanase."_

_"Oh, I see," Rin was nervous for some reason after he heard Haru's name. "I must wish you good luck."_

_Makoto blinked his eyes. "What do you mean?" He was being more and more curious about his new patient each second._

_"He is really tough," Rin answered. "For example, he beated a nurse just because she forced him to take his medicines. He screamed for hours that he was not sick and he didn't need medicines. Two doctors could hardly calmed him down. He fought with them while they were trying to sedate him." Rin sighed and continued. "The doctors couldn't endure him more than a week, because he was violent to them."_

_After hearing those things, the logical thing to do was write a letter about he didn't want to take this patient's responsibility and leave the hospital, but Makoto didn't. "I won't give up on him," he said firmly._

_"I hope." Rin said with a sigh._

_"Do his parents come to visit him?" Makoto asked curiously even though he knew these informations were private._

_"A few years ago, after they brought him here, they wrote a letter that they don't want to take his responsibility anymore," Rin whispered and looked around nervously. He would be in a really big trouble if someone heard him._

_"I'm sorry," Makoto apologized. "I shouldn't have asked."_

_"It's okay," Rin said and they didn't talk until they reached the room where Haru was staying. However, there were questions in Makoto's mind: Why was Rin so nervous about Haru and how did he know about Haru's parents' letter. The letter must have been given to the head of the ward, right?_

_"We are there." Makoto snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Rin's voice. Makoto could hear the crying which was coming from inside. He looked behind. Rin was standing a few meters behind. It seemed like Makoto was alone in this. He took a deep breath before opening the door. The sounds of his heartbeats were echoing in the silence. 'There is no turning back, just do it,' he encouraged himself and stepped in._

* * *

_Rin watched worriedly as Makoto went into the room. He ran his fingers through the 'H' letter which had been carved into his forearm a long time ago._

_Even though it had been a long time, 7 years, Rin could feel the sharpness and coldness of the knife which cut his skin and could hear the sadistic voice which is saying "Just a reminder of who you are belong to."_

_"I hope you will be safe, Makoto," Rin mumbled and walked away, carrying the horrible memories of his past._

* * *

_When Makoto went into the room, he saw the black haired boy who was looking at the wall. Makoto couldn't see his face due to he was looking at the opposite direction. He was motionless except that his shoulders went up and down while he was breathing. 'Typical dissociative identity disorder patient,' Makoto thought. They could stare at something without moving for hours. "Haruka," Makoto spoke with a soft voice. He didn't want to scare Haru. He ignored the voice whispering to him that in fact he was the one who is scared._

_Haru slowly turned around to look at Makoto. Makoto felt like he was in a horror movie in which Haru was the scary creature which was about to attack him and he was the idiot who was standing there and just looking at it instead of running away or doing something. He gulped soundly._

_'However, there is never something beautiful in horror movies,' a small whisper came from the back of his mind. He was eye to eye with Haruka Nanase. Those eyes... Seeing them actually was way much different than looking at them in a photograph. They were like ocean and Makoto felt like he was drowning in them._

_Makoto took a grip on himself and looked at Haru properly. Haru was looking back at him in shock as if he was an entity which shouldn't have been there. His black hair was messy and his face was soaked with tears. "How do you feel?" Makoto asked._

_Haru stared at Makoto without talking for a while. The shocked look in his eyes was gone and pure hatred came. His blue eyes were burning with anger. If he had such a talent, the flames from his eyes would turn Makoto into ashes. Makoto was scared. He was clutching the door knob tightly, ready to run away in case Haru does something to him. "Don't ask someone how they feel when in fact you don't care about them in your life." His voice was dangerously calm._

_Makoto was surprised. Even though he had been told that Haru is tough, he didn't expect such a hatred like this. "Why do you think that I don't care about you?" He asked trying to keep his voice normal._

_Haru took a deep sigh. "You will go to your home in the end of the day, but I will stay here. I bet you won't think about me or your other patients while you are laying on your bed."_

_This made Makoto's heart ached. He usually had a good relationship with his patients. He felt like he was going to burst into the tears, but he didn't. He couldn't in front of someone he doesn't know. He cleared his throat. "Look Haru, if you act like this, we can't fix anything. You need to cooperate with me." Haru didn't answer. Makoto thought that it was okay. Unfortunately, he was unaware that Haru was far from being submissive to him, but he was going to learn in an unpleasant way sooner or later._

* * *

_"I read your file," Makoto started._

_Haru was silent. He wasn't even looking at Makoto, he was just playing with the hems of the white shirt he was wearing._

_Makoto didn't know what he could say or do to break the silence. Eventually, Haru, must have been annoyed by the silence, he spoke. "And?"_

_"What were you doing in your classmate's house at that late hour?" Makoto asked._

_Haru sighed and rolled his eyes. "Are you sure that you read my file properly? Because I'm sure that I mentioned about I didn't remember that I went to that bastard's home."_

_Makoto frowned. "Haru, please watch your language." One of the things he hated the most was a bad language._

_Haru chuckled in sarcasm. "Oh, I'm sorry!" He was directly looking into Makoto's eyes and did something which made Makoto's heart almost stop. He smiled. 'This smile could have been belong to an angel,' Makoto thought. "I'm sorry Doctor Tachibana." He told Makoto's name with pure hatred. "I didn't know that you call bullies as 'ladies' or 'gentlemans' in here!" Haru continued while he was laughing more._

_Makoto felt butterflies in his stomach as Haru was laughing. His laugh... It was like a hypnotizing melody... Just like sirens' song which cause the death of sailors. Makoto knew that it was wrong, that feeling like this was wrong. He knew that Haru shouldn't have been something more than his patient. He knew he shouldn't have felt like that. However, he couldn't stop those feelings._

* * *

_Makoto tried to question Haru about the other people he harmed, Haru either didn't answer or gave short answers. Eventually, Makoto realized that the effort to make Haru speak was in vain. He looked at his watch to check the time. He had stayed in there longer than he expected. Besides, Haru was about to squeeze his throat if he had stayed there for another minute. He took a deep sigh. "I need to go, Haru. I will see you tomorrow."_

_Haru mumbled something as Makoto was leaving the room and locked the door, but Makoto didn't hear. "Go to hell if it is possible."_

_After Makoto left the room, Haru opened his palm and looked at the clown fish key chain smirking._

* * *

_Makoto wished good evening to his new coworkers and headed to his car. His house was one hour drive away._

_Rin and Sousuke watched as Makoto get into his car and drove away._

_"Did you tell him about your past with Nanase?" Sousuke asked. There were no one else who could hear them._

_"No..." Rin said as he was leaning his head against Sousuke's shoulder. If someone knew his connection with Haru, this would be his end._

_Sousuke winced at the slight pain which he felt in his shoulder._

**_"Can you feel this pain? That was what I felt when you two betrayed me!"_ **

_They both walked away, not wanting to remember horrible memories of their pasts._

* * *

_His little siblings, Ran and Ren, welcomed him. Makoto chuckled and ruffed their hair while they were hugging his legs._

_As Makoto was hanging his keys to their place, Ran asked. "Oni-chan, why don't you like it anymore?"_

_Makoto crouched down and stroked his little sister's hair. "Of course I like it, but I can't find it. I must have dropped it somewhere, but don't worry, I will find it soon."_

* * *

_In the dinner Makoto's father asked him how was his new patient like._

_"Actually, I don't know..." Makoto could hear the sadness in his voice. "It seems like he hates me." He remembered how Haru replied his questions so cold and dry and how he looked at him as if he was face to face with an old enemy. He didn't know why, but it made Makoto sad._

_"I'm sure that you will develop a good bond with him just like you did with your other patients." His mother said when she saw Makoto's sadness._

_Makoto forced himself to give a smile. "I hope."_

* * *

_That night Makoto couldn't sleep even a minute. The nightmares didn't let him._

**_Makoto was in a dark place. The moldy scent showed that he was in a basement, but why was he there? No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember. There was a sharp pain in his head._ **

**_He heard footsteps behind him. He wanted to look at who was there, but he was kicked to the ground. He groaned in pain. The person turned him around to face him. Makoto couldn't see their face because of the dark._ **

**_The person slowly leaned to Makoto's ear and whispered. "I won't kill you, Tachibana. You don't deserve such a mercy."_ **

* * *

_"Oni-chan, why are your eyes red?" Ren asked worriedly as Makoto was leaving for work._

_Makoto gave a nervous smile. "I slept late last night," he lied. Actually he didn't sleep whole night due to nightmares. In his nightmares, the same person, he was sure that it was the same person, killing him again and again. Every time he would wake up breathless and couldn't fell asleep easily. This person would whisper into Makoto's ear. Makoto mostly didn't understand what he was saying. The voice was familiar, but no matter how hard he tried, Makoto couldn't remember whose voice it was._

_He waved at his siblings and drove to the ward. Haru was in his mind whole time._

_'I hope you are not as bad as I thought Haru.'_

* * *

_"Good morning, Haru." Makoto gave Haru a warm smile, not knowing the next thing Haru is about to say will make him spend another sleepless night._

_Haru looked at Makoto's bloodshot eyes and smirked. "Did you sleep well last night, doctor Tachibana?"_

_His voice... It was extremely similar to the voice he heard in his nightmares._


	2. Bully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Haru loses his temper, nobody knows him, but tonight the silence is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains self harm, bad language, homophobia, bullying and violence. If you are not comfortable or are affected badly, please don't read this.  
> It was hard for me write this chapter, because it is hard to think our precious angel Makoto as a homophobic bully!  
> Since this is an angsty story, there will be a lot of dramas.  
> I don't want hate comments please. 
> 
> Side Note 1: Even though I love MakoHaru, I'm completely a RinHaru thrash! I couldn't help it and added that to the story heheh :'D.  
> Side Note 2: Also I don't want anyone think that I hate Sousuke or something. I love him! But I needed an enemy for Haru.  
> Side Note 3: Even though this is a yandere story, I'm not planning to kill anyone yet. My ideas may change any time lol!  
> Side Note 4: I don't know if there will be any NSFW in this story, because some people may be disturbed by it and I'm not really good at it.  
> This chapter is inspired from the song Bully by Three Days Grace! (I love this band very much!)

_Even when he was in a really young age, something was different with Haru. His grandmother had a famous saying: "When you are ten, you are a prodigy. When you are fifteen, you are a genius. When you are twenty, you are just an ordinary person." His parents thought Haru's behaviors was the result of his incredible mind._

_**Haru blamed his family for not noticing his situation.** _

_Haru was really charming both in looks and has an incredible intelligence. His grades were amazing, his swimming was amazing, and his drawing was perfect. Everyone would be amazed by his talents. His parents were proud of him. Even though Haru was an ideal son in the eyes of other parents, he had some weird behaviors. For example he would stare at wall for hours without moving._

_Sometimes they would find Haru laying on his bed with mud and grass stained clothes. When his parents asked him where these stains came from, the answer was always the same "I don't remember." His parents didn't think about it that much. They just assumed that their son was sleep walking. That's why they began locking the doors and windows at nights. However, Haru kept coming back with dirty clothes, and they would find doors unlocked._

_The weirdest thing about Haru was his fondness to the blood. In horror movies he could watch the gore scenes without taking his eyes off. He wouldn't even flinch when the characters began screaming. He also was cutting himself too. He had no specific reason for doing this. He just loved the stinging pain as he was cutting himself, and the warmth and wetness of the blood as it was trickling down from his arm._

* * *

_Haru was thirteen when he fell in love for the first time, but this love was hopeless, because Makoto was quite popular. All girls wanted to be with him and all boys wanted to be just like him. Even though their houses were so close, Makoto never noticed Haru. Haru was suspected he even knew his name._

_Haru knew that he was not special enough to get Makoto's attention. He knew he was not important and had no value in Makoto's eyes. He still had his hopes up. That's why he decided to tell him not knowing that it was the worst decision of his life._

* * *

_"Ummm... Makoto... Can you wait for a second." Haru was so excited and his heart was beating like a bird in the cage._

_"Oh, Makoto senpai, it seems like someone wants to be friends with you." The boy who wears red glasses looked at Haru with a humiliating look. Haru really wanted to punch him on the face._

_Makoto mentioned the blonde and the blue haired boy to move on. After they walked away Makoto looked at Haru, but not in a kind way like he used to the other people. "What do you want Nanase?" His voice was not kind either, he sounded like he was bored or annoyed._

_This broke Haru's courage. He gulped. "I-I love you Makoto."_

_Makoto chuckled. "Who doesn't?"_

_"N-No... I mean... I'm in love with you." Haru stuttered. That was unusual and unexpected from him, because Haru was always the cold type._

_Haru didn't expect hugs from Makoto, but he didn't definitely deserve what Makoto did the next. Makoto punched Haru causing him to lose his balance and fall onto the ground. "Where did you get the idea of I'm a disgusting gay?" He chuckled and walked away without looking at Haru again._

_Haru wanted to cry. His heart was shattered and the broken pieces were hurting his chest. He got up and began walking to home. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. He could bet that Makoto had already told about their conversations to his friends and he told himself that he had to be prepared for bullying. Everyone loved Makoto and no one loved Haru. No one was going to support him. He was all alone._

* * *

_Everything was just like he expected in the school._

_"Isn't this Nanase? Did you know that he is gay? So disgusting." He heard a girl was whispering to her friend and giggled._

_"Actually, he made the right choice to be gay, because no girl would wanted to date with him." Her friend giggled as well._

_Haru ignored those annoying conversations and walked to the class. When he was about to sit down he saw some people wrote names for him or go and fuck with someone as disgusting as him. Haru sighed and also ignored the annoying stares and whispers._

_**He wakes up haunted with voices in his head. Nobody knows it, but today he won't go unnoticed. He can't forget... Can't forget what they said... He's never been so hurt, but today the screaming was over.** _

* * *

_Even though his body was covered with bruises and both his mouth and nose were bleeding, Makoto and his friends were still kicking him. Haru could swear one of his ribs was broken or one of his lungs was punctured._

_"Enough guys. I think he already learned his lesson," Makoto said and walked away with his friends._

_Haru stayed there for a few minutes coughing and vomiting blood. His body was aching, but it was nothing when it compared to the pain in his heart. He began walking to his home with his aching body and heart._

_That day something broke in Haru._

_**He blamed the bully, Makoto.** _

_The love he felt for Makoto disappeared. He hated Makoto. Haru never hated someone. Haru never found someone worthy to be hated._

_"That's it Tachibana, if you play with the fire, you burn," he mumbled to himself._

* * *

_Makoto was doing his daily jogging while listening to music with his headphones in the evening not noticing that someone was watching him. He didn't notice the teenage boy who was wearing hoodie was following him._

_Suddenly someone grabbed his hair and pulled him back. Makoto let out a scream when his back hit to the ground. He wanted to sit up, but a knee which was pressed against his chest. He coughed and tried to push the guy, judging by the strength they have he assumed that it was a male, off on him. However, his wrists were pinned to the ground._

_"What do you want?" Makoto tried to prevent his voice from trembling, but couldn't make it. He gasped in fear when he felt the sharp, cold object which was pressed against to his throat. He closed his eyes waiting that person to kill him._

_He didn't. He only left a deep cut on Makoto's throat. He leaned closer to Makoto's ears and told something which gave Makoto shivers. "I won't kill you Tachibana, you don't deserve that much mercy. You will remember me every time you looked at the mirror." With that he let Makoto go and ran away._

_**When Haru loses his temper, nobody knows him, but tonight the silence is over.** _

_Makoto touched his bleeding throat. "Bastard..."_

_After he returned home, his parents immediately took him to the hospital. There were stitches on his throat. That guy really kept her promise. Makoto would always remember him until the certain event._

_From that day on Makoto never saw Haru again. Actually no one saw him or heard anything from him again. Because he changed his school. Everyone was happy for getting rid of him._

**_None of them thought that maybe Haru needed to be wanted._ **

* * *

_Haru was still not satisfied. He hated Makoto continue living and hanging out with his friends while Haru always woke up haunted by the voices in his head. He was also fighting with his own emotions. He was a loner, but tonight Makoto wouldn't be able to ignore him._

* * *

_It was easy to sneak into Makoto's room since he left his window open. Actually, it was a bit hard to climb in carrying a big hammer. He looked at Makoto's sleeping gesture. He was almost going to give up. Almost. But there was no turning back. He had been planning his revenge for about a week. Makoto opened his eyes and he opened his mouth to scream. Before he could scream, Haru pulled him down from his bed to the ground and kicked him in the ribs._

_Makoto was sure that his ribs were broken. He curled in a fetal position. He couldn't make any sound but wheezing. "Please stop..." Makoto begged. Haru just laughed as he was kicking him. He kicked him until Makoto felt a sharp pain in his arm._

_When Haru hit Makoto's head with the big hammer, everything was dark for Makoto._

* * *

_He had been questioned by police and by several doctors for about a week._

_After he told everyone that he didn't remember anything, he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Haru refused to believe this. If there was something wrong with him, he would know this, right? That's why he refused to stay in a mental ward._

_His parents believed him._

_They had two years until they realized the mistake they made._

* * *

_Haru was 15 years old when he first met Rin. That was love in the first sight. Haru never thought he would love someone after Makoto, but he understood that he was wrong when he saw Rin. He knew that he may not have chance again this time, but luckily Rin was not a homophobic unlike Makoto. Whenever Rin smiled at him, Haru's heart would start beating like a bird in a cage._

_Just like Makoto Rin was also quite popular, but he was not fake like Makoto. That was what Haru liked about Rin. He was sick of fake people. However, he didn't have the courage to talk with Rin._

_His obsession went too far to the point that he followed Rin secretly while he was walking with his friends. Rin didn't notice him until he accidentally broke a branch. 'Crap!' He immediately hid behind bushes before Rin could turn around to look at the voice. Haru's heart began beating his chest as Rin was looking around. He sighed with relief when Rin just shrugged and kept on walking with his friends._

_'That was close.'_

* * *

_Haru opened the door. He was surprised to see Rin was standing there in the middle of the night. Was he dreaming? Rin broke the silence. "Aren't you going to let me in?" He asked with the smile which made Haru's heart skip a beat._

_"Sure. Come in," he let Rin in._

_As soon as they were sitting on the couch side to side Rin began talking. "Look Haru, I'm not good at with words, so I will tell directly. I love you Haru. Like I really do. So please will you go out with me?"_

_Haru was so happy. He didn't answer. Instead, he kissed Rin. They both were so happy at that moment._

* * *

_Their happiness didn't last long. Their first weeks were perfect. They would see each other every day and when they were not together, Haru used to text him. At first Rin thought it was sweet, but he never gave Rin any space. Whenever Rin was with his friends, especially with Sousuke, Haru would text him non-stop._

_One day, Rin was doing his homework and he muted his phone. When he checked his phone, he saw there were a lot of messages and missed calls from Haru. First messages were sweet messages, but as he scrolled through the messages he saw Haru was asking if he was all right or where he was. So he called Haru and apologized. Haru accepted his apology, but told him to call him or text him the next time. Rin thought it was sweet because that showed Haru loved him._

_It happened several more times. Whenever Rin wasn't able to answer him immediately, he would start to send hundreds of texts. He would be upset whenever Rin was with his friends._

_He even broke Sousuke's shoulder just because he patted Rin's shoulder and after that he carved his initial to Rin's forearm. At that point Rin realized something was really wrong with Haru._

* * *

_"I'm sorry Haru... This is for the best..." Rin told his last words as he was leaving Haru in his new room in the mental ward._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating for a long time!  
> I had resit exams. I deleted and rewrite the chapter over and over again. I'm still not really satisfied with this chapter, because it was kinda rushed. I hope you don't mind!  
> From now I will try to update every Sunday!  
> Side Note: I will start to write the next chapter so I won't make anyone wait!


	3. Over and Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto is having a hard time to understand his feelings while Haruka is still struggling not to love Makoto again.  
> ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡  
> He had been feeling those things for Makoto for years. Those feelings were bringing him down, but he was one to blame. He tried everything to get away, but he was in the same situation again. He knew that he was going to chase Makoto down again. 
> 
> 'Why do I do this?' He ran his hand through his hair. Even though he tried not to, he was falling in love with Makoto again. Even though Makoto didn't try, he was making Haru fall for him.  
> ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡  
> "I tried to live without you. Every time I do, I feel dead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't see a reason for adding any warnings to this chapter! Because this chapter is kind of fluffy and is not as dark as the other chapters.  
> I don't know if there will be any chapter like that again.  
> Side Note: This chapter is shorter than usual, because I didn't have much time and I had a strong lack of inspiration for this chapter ;-;! I hope you don't mind! Think it as a transition chapter!

_There are times when you feel you froze, and everything else except for you is still moving. Makoto's face was as angelic as Haru remember. 'Why am I feeling like this?' Haru thought as they were still staring at each other in silence. He already erased Makoto long time ago, right? He had escaped from Makoto's bitter taste long time ago. Or he thought like that. Just looking at Makoto re-awakened the feelings which he thought they died long time ago._

_"Yeah, I slept good," Makoto lied after he snapped out of his shock._

_Haru just chuckled. "You have bloodshot eyes, doctor Tachibana. Or should I say Makoto?"_

_This voice... It made Makoto's heart skip a beat. Until a few years ago he could never think that he would feel like that toward a guy. His childhood memories about the times that he was a homophobic were not clear. According to his friends, and also his sidekicks, Nagisa and Rei, he was so mean to the gay people._ _For some reason, Makoto couldn't remember this. Maybe some things are better when they were hidden._ _Nagisa and Rei were together now and Makoto was so happy for them._

_While Makoto was thinking about Haru, Haru was thinking about him too. His name still made his heart skip a beat, his face was still angelic just like he remembered, but he was still that same selfish Makoto. He was still the one who doesn't know how to love. Haru never believed a person can change._

_"You never changed, Makoto." Haru broke the silence._

_Makoto was stunned. "What do you mean? Do you know me?"_

_Haru just nodded his head. "I know you the way no one knows." He stood up and walked over to Makoto. "I usually don't hate people. Because I don't find them worthy enough to feel anything for them, but Makoto, I hate you. I really hate you. I wanted to waste you for a long time." Haru pinned Makoto against the wall. There were just a few inches between their faces. Haru pulled Makoto even closer by pulling his hair. "I wanted to waste you for a long time." He repeated._

_Makoto's heart began beating fast, but he didn't know it was because of excitement or fear. Their chests were pressed together and he could bet that Haru could feel his heartbeats. He let out a small whimper when Haru pulled him closer by his hair. "Why?" He asked with a small voice. He hated sounding so weak, but he felt like all the air in his lungs were gone._

_Haru felt proud of himself when he heard how Makoto's voice was trembling. Now the roles were changed. He wasn't that teenage boy who Makoto beated up with his friends. He had Makoto between his arms, and he couldn't even dream about this seven years ago. There were just a few inches between their faces and Makoto's lips were trembling in anticipation. Haru pressed his lips against Makoto's lips._

_It was not a real kiss, it was just a slight touch, but it made Makoto's heart flutter. He wanted to hold Haru's hair and pull him closer, but his wrists were pinned to the wall. Haru smirked as he pulled away. As soon as Haru let go of his hands, Makoto pushed him away and ran to the door. He immediately locked the door. His cheeks were burning and he was sure that he was a blushing mess._

_"Makoto, are you alright?" He heard Rin asked._

_"I'm okay..." He said, but his voice was not convincing enough._

_"Really?" Rin asked looking at him carefully._

_"Yes, really," Makoto said. "I just need some air..."_

_Rin nodded his head. "Okay, come back when you feel ready."_

_Makoto nodded his head and literally ran outside. He touched his lips absently. They were tingling at the memory of Haru's lips touched against them. 'What is happening to me? Why was I attracted to someone who I saw for the first time in my life?' He thought to himself._

_There is a fact. Whenever you think about someone a lot, it is because they were thinking about you at first. This would be a sweet lie to believe. 'Makoto is thinking about me, huh?' Haru chuckled for thinking such a childish thing. He had been feeling those things for Makoto for years. Those feelings were bringing him down, but he was the one to blame. He tried everything to get away, but he was in the same situation again. He knew that he was going to chase Makoto down again._

_'Why do I do this?' He ran his hand through his hair. Even though he tried not to, he was falling in love with Makoto again. Even though Makoto didn't try, he was making Haru fall for him over again. There were so many thoughts that he couldn't get out of his mind. He groaned and sunk his nails into his palms. He sat down onto the floor and began crying._

* * *

**_Makoto was in Haru's room. Haru was crying and looking at him with pleading eyes, begging Makoto to save him. Makoto wanted to help him, but he couldn't move._ **

**_Haru lifted his head and wiped his teary eyes with the back of his hand. He seemed like a defenseless little kid at that moment. Makoto really wanted to help him, but he couldn't even move his finger. "Please Makoto..." Haru begged. "Please save me."_ **

_Makoto woke up breathless. It was still dark. Makoto looked at the digital desk clock. It was 4.32 in the morning. He sat up and ran his hand through his hair. He understood that it was impossible go back to sleep again. The voices in his head didn't let him to sleep. When he understand that he was not going to be able to sleep, he decided to start for day earlier._

_While he was having shower and having a breakfast Haru was in his mind. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice his father. "Good morning, Makoto." He flinched when he heard his father's voice._

_He smiled even though he is not in the mood to smile. "Oh good morning, dad."_

_His father sat on the other chair. "You seem distrait, is everything alright?"_

_Makoto hesitated to answer at first, but he needed some help. It was so ironic that Makoto wanted to laugh at himself. He could understand other people's emotions and feelings very well, but he was unaware of his own feelings. You know what they say: The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot. "To be honest," he started holding the coffee cup between his hands, "I'm not sure."_

_His father looked at him in sympathy. "Is there a problem with your new patient?" He patted Makoto's shoulder._

_"No..." Makoto said. "Yes..." Makoto sighed. "I don't know."_

_This unclear answer confused the man. "I didn't understand what you meant."_

_"My new patient said that he hates me, but I never met him before. I know, I shouldn't be affected by the words of someone I just met, but I couldn't help... He is in my mind since yesterday." Makoto explained as best as he could._

_His father nodded his head. "I see... Maybe you are affected by him more than you think," he said with a soft voice._

_Makoto let out a loud groan. "Then what should I do?"_

_"Listen your heart." His father said._

* * *

_Makoto was face to face with Haruka Nanase now. After he talked with his father he immediately left the house and found himself in Haru's hospital room. He couldn't help himself and hugged Haru, but Haru didn't hug him back, because he was not sure if he was dreaming or this was really happening. "Makoto... Are you really here?"_

_Makoto gave a small smile and stroked Haru's hair reassuringly. "Yes, I'm here."_

_Haru lifted his head and stared into Makoto's eyes. "I tried to live without you, Makoto, but every time I do, I feel dead." When Makoto was about to ask what he meant, he felt the soft lips against his own lips. This time he returned the kiss. He wanted to stop the time and stay like that with Haru forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew!  
> Sorry! I couldn't update yesterday! I had a massive headache!  
> I will try to update the next chapter on Sunday!  
> By the way thanks for the kudos! That means a lot for me!


	4. Tell Me Why!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto found out that he was in love with his patient.  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ 
> 
> ╰┈➤ "I'm scared of loving someone, because everything I love get taken away from me. Tell me why does everything I love get taken away from me?" Makoto stayed quiet. What could you say in a situation like that? "I won't let anyone to take you away from me again, Makoto," Haru whispered as he was stroking Makoto's hair gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains intimacy (not sex), if you are not comfortable please don't read the chapter.  
> I won't tolerate any hate comment.  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ I'm sorry for the late update! I had a lot of problems recently and I was working on a new series project! They will Free! ship stories! I'm so excited like every time I work on a new thing! I already planned some plots, but I won't give any spoilers *innocent giggle* If you want to read the stories please stay tuned!  
> Enjoy the chapter :3!

_Makoto felt like he was in a dream, but Haru suddenly pushed him away. Makoto was confused. "Haru, what's wrong?" As soon as he asked this Haru slapped him across his face with his whole strength. Makoto held his cheek with a confused look. "Haru! What are you doing?"_

_Haru didn't answer. He just pushed Makoto against the wall. Makoto whimpered in pain. He couldn't do anything to stop Haru. As if he had an inhuman strength. Haru then pulled Makoto and pinned Makoto to the bed. Makoto panicked and began stuttering as Haru was pulling the collar of his shirt down, exposing his throat. "H-Haru s-stop!"_

_Luckily, Haru didn't do what Makoto was afraid. He was just staring at the old scar on Makoto's throat. Makoto instinctively touched that scar. His parents had told him that, this scar was because of an accident. "Even time can't erase the past completely," Haru said without taking his eyes off of Makoto's scar._

_"What do you mean?" Makoto asked, but Haru punched him in the throat screaming at him to shut up. Makoto coughed and a little blood came out of his mouth. He couldn't do anything to stop Haru. He felt the familiar vulnerability feeling again. This scene was familiar, but he couldn't remember it at all._

_Suddenly someone pulled Haru away from Makoto, and someone else helped Makoto to sit up. It was Rin. He patted Makoto's back as he was coughing blood. "Makoto, are you okay?" Rin was looking at him worriedly. Makoto couldn't talk, he just nodded his head._

_Makoto watched as Sousuke, him and Makoto hadn't really talked yet, was putting now unconscious Haru onto the bed. 'He must have been sedated,' Makoto thought to himself. Rin helped Makoto to get up and walked to the door with him. When they were outside Makoto locked the door. He was still in shock after witnessing how Haru changed in just a few seconds._

_Rin gave Makoto a bottle of water. Makoto smiled through the pain in his throat and drank the water. Neither Rin nor Sousuke tried to talk to Makoto and Makoto was glad for this. He was still in shock and didn't really want to talk with any of them._

_Finally Rin broke the silence. "I told you, he is really hard to deal with," he said with a sigh. It was obvious that he doesn't want to talk about Haru more, but he already lured Makoto's curiosity. He wanted to ask more._

_After a few minutes, Makoto could speak again. "How do you know him that well?" The tension when he said 'him' was visible and he saw how Rin was also nervous, he wondered why._

_"I know him from our teenage years. At first I didn't understand something was wrong with him, but as the time passed I began noticing something was off," Rin finally spoke. After averting his eyes, Makoto knew there was something he couldn't say. He was constantly playing with his fingers and wouldn't make any eye contact with Makoto._

_Makoto understood that Rin wasn't going to talk more, but he desperately needed to know more about Haru. He was about to ask more, but his instincts were telling him not to, because he wouldn't like what he was going to hear. That's why he stayed quiet even though it was bugging him. However, of course, he didn't know that he was going to remember what he forgot about Haru._

* * *

_Haru was laying on his bed awake, waiting to fall asleep. He had no another option. He didn't know the last time he had a proper sleep. His body should have been craving a proper sleep, right? Wrong. Even though he was extremely tired, the voices in his head didn't let him to sleep._

_The two people in his mind were constantly arguing with each other, and Haru couldn't do anything to make them quiet. Sometimes they would talk with Haru too. Haru couldn't focus on what they were saying that night except for one word: Makoto._

_He covered his ears with his pillow, but it didn't work. He could still hear them clearly. "Just fucking shut up." He said quietly, almost about to cry. "Please be quiet..." He begged. He was clutching so hard that his knuckles became white. He clenched his eyes shut, hoping that he could get some sleep._

* * *

_After seeing how Haru was violent yesterday, it was too hard to be in the same room with Haru for Makoto. He treated people who suffered from dissociative personality disorder before and knew how their mood could change within a few minutes, but Haru had caught him by surprise and he wasn't ready for this._

_Makoto looked at Haru. There were dark bags under his eyes. It was like he didn't sleep for days._

_"Don't pity on me!" Haru snapped when he saw Makoto was looking at him with a weird expression. He hated when people pity him. 'As if you are not in a pathetic condition.' This was true. He had been locked in this mental ward since he was 16, and he didn't know when he will be outside again. He was definitely pathetic._

_Makoto gulped. He didn't want to live what happened yesterday again. "I'm not pitying on you Haru." He tried to sound convincing as much as possible. He didn't want to make Haru mad._

_Haru suddenly started to cry. Makoto was surprised. He didn't know if he should hug him or not. 'Listen to your heart, because it is the one who knows what's the best.' That was what his parents always taught him. That's why he did what his heart told him to do: He hugged Haru._

_Haru struggled a little, but Makoto didn't let him to get away. He held him tight. Haru eventually stopped struggling and they stayed like that for a few minutes. "Stay with me," Haru said. His voice wasn't demanding this time, it sounded like he was begging._

_'What am I doing?' Makoto asked to himself. This was wrong. That was something which shouldn't have happened. A doctor shouldn't have a deep relationship with their patient. It was not ethic! He could lose his job and Makoto loved his job. Makoto unwrapped his arms around Haru's waist. "I can't Haru... I can't..." Haru looked at him, confused and lost. "I need to go." He didn't wait Haru say something he just ran outside._

* * *

_"Makoto, what are you doing in here?" Rei was surprised. Makoto would never come without informing them. That's why seeing him in front of the door was a surprise for Rei. "Come in."_

_Makoto nodded his head and followed Rei to the lounge room. "Who is it, Rei-Chan?" Nagisa walked into the lounge room with a smile, but he was also surprised to see Makoto there. "Oh Mako-chan what are you doing in here?" He asked curiously._

_"Actually, I'm thinking about something serious... That's why I'm here." Makoto said. He was tired of feeling nervous around Haru. Nagisa and Rei were, of course, concerned about their childhood friend. "I will tell, but please don't tell anyone... Because I can get into trouble if someone hears this."_

_Rei and Nagisa nodded their head at the same time. "You know that we are good at keeping secrets." Nagisa said with sparkling eyes. "Besides we don't have any close friends beside you." Rei said. Makoto knew that he could trust them. They were his childhood friends._

_Trusting this fact, Makoto spoke directly. "How do you understand that you are in love with someone?" Makoto never fell in love before. Yes, he had many crushes, but never felt a strong connection any of them. So he didn't know how love feels. He didn't know if he was in love with Haru or not._

_They stayed quiet for a while, because there was no specific definition of love. Eventually Rei began explaining. "It changes from person to person. Some feels their heart beats faster, some always thinks about the person they love, but most importantly they feel nervous around their beloved."_

_Makoto thought about all the symptomps he had. 'Does Haru make my heart beat faster? Yes. Do I always think about him? Yes. Do I feel nervous around Haru?' Makoto took a deep sigh. 'Definitely yes.' Makoto got up and hugged Rei tightly. "Thank you, Rei." He smiled. In return three of them hugged each other as if they are still kids._

* * *

_It had been a week and Makoto got permission from his work saying that he didn't feel well. Actually it was kind of true. He couldn't eat or sleep. Most importantly he couldn't get Haru out of his mind._ _After he had a that talk with Nagisa and Rei, he decided that it will be better to take a break. He needed to stay away from Haru for a while. That was the best for both of them._

_Makoto's parents and siblings went to fun fair to have some fun. Makoto told them that he didn't feel well and he couldn't join them. His parents were worried for him, but Makoto told them that there is nothing to worry about and he gave them a smile to convince them._

_Makoto was watching a horror movie, which he normally wouldn't, to distract himself. Well, he wasn't actually watching. He sighed and turned the television off. He was startled by the sudden knock on the door. It couldn't be his family. He walked to the door and opened it._

_Makoto felt like he was going to faint when he saw the person in front of the door. "H-Haru?" It was not a dream. Haru was really there. He missed him too much. How did he come there? How did he escape from the mental ward? He began walking backwards, but tripped to something._

_Haru immediately caught Makoto before he fell. Then he immediately pulled away from Makoto. Makoto was still in shock, but he hugged Haru. Haru didn't hug him back. Who could blame him? "You left me alone," Haru said. His voice was calm, but Makoto could hear the accusing tone in his voice._

_Makoto wanted to disappear because of the shame. That was true, he left him all alone in the mental ward. That was cold hearted, but he was scared even though he didn't know why he was scared. Was he really scared of losing his job or was he scared of falling in love with Haru? He couldn't talk. He knew that he would cry if he talked. "You didn't come back," Haru said when he understood that Makoto wasn't going to talk. Makoto was so selfish. He didn't know if he deserve Haru. The only thing he knew is he was truly in love with Haru._

_"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry Haru," Makoto whispered. Haru didn't talk but he stroked Makoto's olive brown hair comforting him. "How did you come here, and how did you find my house?" Makoto asked curiously. The thing Haru did was too risky and Makoto didn't want to get Haru into trouble._

_"With the help of Rin and you are still living in the same house." Haru answered._

_"Were you two close friends?" Makoto asked._

_Haru hesitated to tell the truth, but he eventually did. "He is my ex boyfriend."_

_Ex boyfriend... Those two words made Makoto's heart ached. Was he jealous? Even though he tried not to show it, Haru understood that he was jealous and grinned slightly. "Don't worry, I don't feel like that for him anymore." With that Makoto held Haru's hair and pulled him into a kiss._

_Haru pulled Makoto onto his lap without breaking the kiss. Makoto's hand was running through Haru's hair. He couldn't believe how soft they were. The kiss became more intimate before they knew. Makoto broke the kiss to tell the words he wanted to say. He didn't let his fear get him over now. "I love you," he whispered._

_Haru froze. The feelings he kept inside for a long time came alive again. "I'm scared of loving someone, because everything I love get taken away from me. Tell me why does everything I love get taken away from me?" Makoto stayed quiet. What could you say in a situation like that? "I won't let anyone to take you away from me again, Makoto," Haru whispered as he was stroking Makoto's hair gently._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let those two chapters deceive you! This story won't always stay sweet.  
> I will try to update next chapter in Sunday. I hope I can finish the chapter on time though! By the way seeing your comments makes me incredibly happy!  
> Have a good day everyone~!


	5. Someone Who Cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is in a big trouble for letting Haru to go to see Makoto.  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ "Matsuoka, you are not working in this mental ward anymore!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will peeping at Haruka's feelings in this chapter!  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ This story should have been a psychological thriller! What am I doing?  
> Anyway I hope you enjoy!  
> Side Note: I had to re-read the previous chapter to write this chapter lol! It may be boring to read the same dialogues again... I apologize for this... This is a transition chapter. I was also so annoyed while I'm writing the part where Haru is talking with his mother...  
> Warning: There is some intimacy in this chapter too. So if you don't like, please don't read the chapter. I won't tolerate any hate comment. Also I used slight bad language. So I'm sorry!

_Haru was trying to sleep when he heard the door was unlocked. He hoped that it was Makoto. He missed him a lot, but it was not Makoto. It was Rin. Haru frowned. Seeing Rin for the first time after a long time, awakened the hatred inside him. "What do you want from me, Matsuoka?"_

_Rin expected this. He left Haru, when he had no one to trust except for him. "Haru, I know that you don't trust me, but..." He was suddenly pushed against the opposite wall. It was so sudden that Rin didn't have a chance to defend himself. He groaned in pain since he hit his head against the wall when Haru pushed him so roughly._

_"That's good, because I don't," Haru hissed. He didn't care if he hurt Rin or not. Rin was the reason why he was in the mental ward. "I'm asking again, why are you here?" There were so many things he wanted to tell to Rin, but he kept them all inside._

_"I'm here to help you!" Rin said frantically. He was scared. He should be scared. He knew Haru enough. He knew Haru enough to know that he wouldn't let him to get away with what he did._

_"What kind of help?" Haru asked with gritted teeth. He didn't know if he should trust Rin or not. Would you trust a person who is the reason of a bad situation which you were in? Your answer probably would be a no. Haru was living in that dilemma at that moment. He didn't trust Rin. Not at all. Not anymore._

_"I will let you out, so you can see Makoto." Rin spoke immediately as if he scared of changing his mind. "I asked Sousuke to handle the cameras. Don't be too late. If the other doctors notice before you come back, I will tell them it is my fault._

_Haru couldn't believe his ears. Rin, the person who is the reason why he was in the mental ward, was going to help him? No way! Rin sighed when he saw that Haru was not reacting at all and opened the door. "Go before I change my mind."_

_Haru looked at Rin, trying to understand if he was telling the truth or not. Eventually he believed him and looked at him one last time. "Don't expect me to thank you, Matsuoka." Being called with his last name was hurtful for Rin. They had a past and Haru was important for him. As they were walking toward the exit, they both were silent. Haru was wearing a hoodie to hide his face. It was belong to Rin and Haru hated this fact._

_Before Haru began walking Rin held Haru's arm causing Haru to face with him. "Haru... I'm sorry..." He said. After seven years he finally gathered the courage to apologize Haru. He knew that it was too late. He knew that he was cruel back then and they couldn't turn back in time._

_'Is he apologizing now?' Rin was the one who is the reason why he was in the mental ward for seven years! He never visited Haru! Whenever Haru called him on the phone at the times he was allowed, Rin never answered his calls! His apology didn't mean anything for Haru. Haru clenched his fists and punched Rin._

_Rin groaned as he fell on the ground and his nose began bleeding, but he didn't do anything to stop Haru, because he deserved this and the worse things. "I will never forgive you," Haru said through his gritted teeth. He helped Rin to get up and walked away without another word._

* * *

_Haru had never been that nervous before. He was standing in front of Makoto's front door for about 15 minutes. He could see Makoto's silhouette through closed curtains. People might have thought he was a pervert if he stayed there any longer, so he knocked. He had to wait a few minutes until the door was open._

_There was Makoto standing with a pale face. Was this so unexpected to see him there? Minutes felt like hours for Haru before Makoto finally talked. "H-Haru?" Makoto was looking at him as if he was trying to understand it was real or dream, and there was something in his eyes besides fear. Was this yearning? He watched Makoto as he was walking backwards._

_As a quick reflex, Haru caught Makoto. Touching Makoto like that sent shivers. That's why he immediately pulled away from Makoto. As soon as he pulled away, he felt Makoto's arms around his body, but he didn't hug back. Because he was mad at Makoto even though he loved him too much. When Makoto left him alone in the mental ward he lived a dejavu. Rin also left him alone in the mental ward. This was the second time he was disappointed by someone he loved a lot. "You left me alone," he said with a calm voice._

_He saw Makoto's blushing face. Was he really ashamed for what he did? "You didn't come back," Haru said when he understood Makoto wasn't going to talk. His tears showed Haru that Makoto was really regret._

_"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry Haru..." Makoto finally spoke. 'Dejavu again,' Haru thought. About an hour ago, Rin also apologized him. This time Haru believed. Haru was never good with words. He never knew what could someone say to comfort another person. That's why he just stroked Makoto's hair to show that he forgave him. "How did you come here, and how did you find my house?" Makoto asked. Haru sensed that Makoto was worried about him._

_"With the help of Rin and you are still living in the same house." Haru swallowed the lump in his throat. He was so close to his parents' house. He wouldn't admit, but he missed them._

_"Were you two close friends?" Haru heard the slight jealousy in Makoto's voice. That amused Haru, but at the same time he was worried that if he will lose Makoto forever._

_Haru always hated liars. So he decided to tell the truth. "He is my ex my boyfriend." He saw Makoto's expression. So Makoto was really jealous. Haru grinned slightly. "Don't worry, I don't feel like that for him anymore." He was surprised when Makoto held his hair and pulled him to a kiss._

_Haru couldn't resist his feelings anymore. He pulled Makoto onto his lap without breaking the kiss. Makoto's hand was running through his hair, making him feel relaxed. Their kiss became more and more intimate. Makoto broke the kiss. Haru was confused. "I love you," Makoto whispered._

_Haru froze. The feelings he kept inside for a long time came alive again. He decided to tell his feelings to Makoto. "I'm scared of loving someone, because everything I love get taken away from me. Tell me why does everything I love get taken away from me?" Makoto didn't answer him. That was understandable. Haru began stroking Makoto's hair gently._

_"Can I touch you, Haru?" Makoto was looking straight into Haru's eyes and sucking Haru in. He couldn't talk at that moment. As Haru was thinking what he should do Makoto touched his cheek. "That means yes, right?" Makoto's face slowly came closer. Haru closed his eyes, but Makoto didn't kiss him this time. He just touched Haru's hair._ _Haru felt the butterflies in his stomach. "They are so soft."_

_Haru pulled back. He hated ruining the moment, but he needed to go. "I need to go back, Rin may get into trouble." Actually he didn't really care about Rin, but at least he should have gone back since Rin took the risk of being caught for Haru. Also Haru needed to do something before he went back to the mental ward._

* * *

_Haru was now standing in front of the house which he grew up. At that moment he really wanted to give up, but it was too late. Haru hated them, really hated. However, they were still his parents. He stood there not knowing if he should see them. Eventually he decided to see them. He knocked the door._

_After a few seconds or so Haru's mother opened the door. She was shocked seeing her son in front of him after seven years. Haru smiled, he always dreamed about the day when he recovered from the dissociative identity disorder and confront them. Their expression would be priceless. "Haru..." His mother started._

_Haru frowned. "Don't tell my name! I'm here to just tell you one thing. I hate you! I hate both of you! You are the main reason why I'm in that fucking hell hole! I will never forgive you for this, but don't worry, I won't hurt you. No matter what you did to me, you are still my parents." Haru didn't wait for her answer. He had no tolerance to listen her poor excuses. Even your parents don't care about you, who would?_

* * *

_Rin was nervous when the head of the ward called him to his office. Sousuke was there too, holding his hand to support him, but Rin was far from being relieved. He knocked the door and went in when the head called him in. He gulped soundly. Even Sousuke's existence didn't calm him down. Being a blunt man, the head told him directly. "Matsuoka, you are not working in this mental ward anymore!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was a little late! I'm working on a big project, but I won't leave this story!  
> As soon as I settled my schedule down, I will update on time!  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ Thanks everyone who left kudos and comments! I hope I can have more kudos in the future!  
> By the way I published a new RinHaru story! It is called Blue Dreams. You can find it in my profile! Your support will make me incredibly happy!  
> I love you all!  
> Have a good day~


	6. Nothing To Lose But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru decides to remind himself to Makoto, but will he be able to do this and how will Makoto react?  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ "Makoto... You know that I've got nothing to lose but you in this life anymore. I'm scared of losing you, if I tell you this." Haru said holding Makoto's hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the climax of the story!  
> Have fun reading!

_"W-What?" Rin asked with a shaking voice. He wanted to make sure that he heard correctly._

_"You were assigned to watch Haruka Nanase until Doctor Tachibana comes back, but you failed." The chef slammed his hand against the table. Both Rin and Sousuke flinched. "You knew every patient in here are potential killers! So how can you be so irresponsible! You know well that he is one of the most dangerous patients in here!"_

_Rin nodded his head. "You are right... I'm so sorry... I should have been more careful. I promise that it won't happen again."_

_"That won't be again. Because you are not working in here anymore." The chef spoke firmly and didn't think about changing his mind. "You better began picking your things as soon as possible."_

_Rin knew that it was impossible to change the chef's mind. So he didn't insist anymore. "I understand..." He just left the room hand in hand with Sousuke._

_"Hey, don't cry." Sousuke hugged Rin, knowing that he would cry._

_"I'm not crying!" Rin snapped, but his voice cracked revealing that he was really about to cry. That made Sousuke hug him tighter. Every time you make a mistake, there always will be a price to pay._

* * *

_Haru was thinking about reminding himself to Makoto. It was hurting him knowing that he was erased from Makoto's memory, but he was also scared that Makoto would hate him when he remembered him. He couldn't bear the thought of Makoto hating him. Not while they are slowly building a new bond._

_The night he attacked Makoto was replaying in his mind over and over again. Was he regret? Definitely yes. You should make your choices carefully in this life, because you can't undo the things you did._ _Haru fell asleep while the different scenarios are playing in his mind._

* * *

**_Makoto was looking at Haru with pure disgust. "How could you did this to me?"_ **

**_Haru gulped soundly. "Makoto please listen to me..." He tried to hold Makoto's hands, but Makoto pulled his hands away._ **

**_"Don't touch me! I don't want to listen to you anymore!" Makoto yelled at Haru and began walking to the door._ **

**_"Makoto don't go!" Haru tried to grab Makoto, but Makoto didn't stop. He left the room leaving Haru all alone. "Makoto don't leave me alone! Makoto! I can't live without you!" He called out crying, running after him. However, Makoto didn't stop or looked behind. No matter how fast he ran, Haru couldn't reach Makoto either._ **

* * *

_Haru woke up in cold sweat. "Thank God, it is just a dream." He tried to calm down._

_'What do you think he will do when you tell him? To jump into your arms? Then you are wrong. He will for sure hate you!'_

_"Shut up!" Haru yelled and covered his ears. T_ _wo doctors who heard Haru's scream immediately stormed into the room. One of them had a syringe in his hand. Haru crawled backward until he couldn't anymore. "Please don't..."_

_"This is for your own safety, Haru." The doctor who was holding the syringe said as the other was holding Haru tightly. Haru tried to struggle, but he was weak since he didn't eat anything in Makoto's absence. That's why he couldn't resist the doctors as they sedated him._

_He slept whole night without having a dream._

* * *

_Makoto was excited. He had seen Haru a short time ago, but he already missed him. He was thinking about Haru while he was driving to the ward._

_As soon as he parked his car and went into the ward he saw Rin was carrying a box. Sousuke was walking next to Rin. Makoto was confused. He walked over to them. "What's going on?"_

_"The chief said that I won't work in here anymore." Rin sighed. Saying goodbye to his patients was hard for him. He hated the fact that he let them down._

_Makoto was confused even more. "Why? You are a good doctor."_

_"Because I let Haru to see you." Rin answered. "You know, Haru is really dangerous. That's why by letting him go I put many people's life at danger."_

_Sousuke patted Rin's shoulder trying to comfort Rin. "You didn't do that in bad intentions."_

_"Still..." Rin sighed._

_Makoto felt like he should have left them alone. He left to see Haru. He opened the door and went into the room. He smiled warmly. "Good morning Haru. How are you today?"_

_"Good." Haru replied with a robotic voice._

_Makoto understood that there was something wrong with Haru. "Haru, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly._

_"Nothing, I'm fine." Haru said._

_Makoto squinted his eyes in concern. "Are you sure?" He insisted. He really wanted to help Haru and that was not because he was his doctor, it was because he truly cared for Haru. "Haru, please tell me if something is wrong."_

_Haru just shook his head. "There is nothing wrong, Makoto. I promise."_

_"No! You are lying!" Makoto actually didn't want to yell, but he hated lies. "Tell me what's wrong now!" He demanded. Makoto was not someone who gets mad easily, but when he feels someone was lying to him he would be a completely different person._

_"I told you it's nothing!" Haru yelled back and walked over to Makoto with an insane look in his eyes._

_Makoto began walking backwards in fear. "Haru... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to yell at you..." He tried to explain himself, but Haru wasn't in a good head space enough to listen anyone even Makoto._

_Makoto closed his eyes when Haru punched the wall next to him. "Get out of here, Makoto." Haru growled into Makoto's ear. "I don't want to harm you."_

_"No, I won't go!" Makoto yelled. "I won't leave you alone!" He tried to hug Haru._

_However, a flashback appeared in front of Haru's eyes. He could see Makoto was laying on the ground, bleeding and motionless in pain. He was laying on the ground like dead. Haru felt sick with because of this flashback. So he pushed Makoto to the door. "Go Makoto!"_

_Makoto almost lost his balance because of the sudden push. This time he didn't try to resist Haru and left the room, but he was having a hard time holding his tears back. His sight was blurry because of the tears. He could hardly go to the garden. Seeing Haru like that made him incredibly sad._

* * *

_"I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I was triggered by a flashback." Haru said apologetically._

_"It's okay." Makoto patted Haru's shoulder reassuringly. It was normal getting triggered by flashbacks for someone who has dissociative identity disorder._

_"Makoto, I want to talk to you about something," Haru said._

_"What is it?" Makoto asked curiously. By looking at Haru's face, he could say that it was a hard topic to talk about._

_"Makoto... You know that I've got nothing to lose but you in this life anymore. I'm scared of losing you, if I tell you this." Haru said holding Makoto's hands._

_"It's okay, take your time." Makoto said curiously._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update!  
> I was in a BPD episode and was struggling during the week.  
> I won't be able to update this week, but next week I will update daily to make it up my absence!   
> See you in next Monday!   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ We will see how Makoto will react in the next chapter!


	7. The Real You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru eventually found the courage to tell Makoto who he really is.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ Haru took a deep breath. “Do you remember the time you woke up in the hospital because of the severe head injuries?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!   
> I'm back to the road with this story!   
> Sorry for my long time absence (if there is someone who reads this story lol), I was in a writer's block and decided to take a break and complete this story before continuing to publish it!   
> Anyway! Enjoy :3  
> Note: I didn't like this chapter at all, sorry ;-;!

_Makoto was waiting patiently while Haru was fidgeting his fingers, still unsure about telling Makoto. Makoto's heart began beating faster. He was really worried that something bad happened to Haru. "Haru, please tell me what happened?"_

_Haru took a deep breath and began talking. "Makoto... We know each other from childhood."_

_Makoto was confused. "Then how come I don't remember anything about you?"_

_Haru sighed. The hardest part had come. "Do you remember the day you woke up in the hospital because of the injuries in your head and ribs?"_

_Makoto froze. "H-How do you know about this?" Makoto stuttered. "Yes, I woke up in the hospital, but the reason was I fell off the stairs."_

_Haru gulped soundly. "The real reason was... No... I can't tell... I can't tell this..." Haru covered his face with his hands and sobbed. "I can't... I can't take the risk of losing you..."_

_"Why would you lose me? Please tell me Haru." Makoto literally begged. He wanted to do everything he could do to relieve Haru's suffering. "Please tell me." Makoto held Haru's hands and gave them a light squeeze._

_However, Haru pulled his hands away as if they were burned. "No!" He shook his head. "No, I can't!" He stopped for a while. He was hyperventilating and shaking violently. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" He shouted at Makoto._

_Makoto wasn't going to listen to him this time. He hugged Haru tightly. Haru tried to push Makoto away, but Makoto just hugged him tighter. After shaking violently for a few minutes Haru calmed down and cried over Makoto's shoulder. Makoto stroked Haru's hair. "It's okay, I'm here."_

_Haru couldn't talk, he just nodded his head. When he calmed down Makoto laid him down on his bed. Haru grabbed Makoto's arm. "Stay with me."_

_Makoto nodded his head. "I will stay with you."_

_Haru fell asleep while holding Makoto's hand. Makoto was drawing circles on Haru's hand with his thumb, but he eventually had to leave the room. If he stayed there any longer, people would spread unpleasant rumors about him and Haru._

_Haru was turning to left and right in his sleep. He was having a nightmare again. Without Makoto, every minute felt like that. He tried to think about Makoto to stop his nightmares, but every time he tried, he failed._

* * *

_Makoto was playing with the food in his plate like a little child. He had no appetite. He didn't talk except for a few words. He was thinking about Haru._

_“Sweetie why won’t you eat? His mom asked._

_Makoto snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his mom’s voice. He chuckled nervously. “Oh, I was thinking something about work.” He felt guilty for lying to his mom, but Haru was his patient and it couldn’t be thought as a lie at all, right. ‘Ugh stop making excuses to make yourself feel better.’ He stood up. “I will go for walk.”_

_“You didn’t eat anything.” His mother said. “Honey, are you sure that you are okay?” She asked worriedly._

_“Yes I’m okay mom. I’m just not hungry.” Makoto said and walked to the front door. He wore his shoes and went outside. He put his headphones on while he was walking. Even though it was evening, it was still warm._

_After running a few miles, Makoto felt like he was living a dejavu. He suddenly felt a strong pain in his chest as an image appeared in his mind. He was in this place again and someone was pressing him to the ground. Then the stranger cut his throat slightly. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember the stranger’s face. He could feel the coldness of the knife on his throat once again. His chest began to tighten and his heart began beating incredibly fast. He couldn’t breath._

_“Are you okay?” An old woman was looking at him in worry._

_Makoto wanted to say he was okay, but he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t even breath. Even though he was shivering, he was also sweating. ‘Am I dying?’ He thought. ‘No, not now!’ He was also feeling nauseous and his head was spinning. The last thing he heard was the old woman’s screaming when he fell onto the ground. Then everything went dark and silent._

* * *

_When Makoto woke up he found himself laying on a hospital bed, his parents were standing next to him. His mother took his hand. “Sweetie, you scared us too much.”_

_Makoto blinked his eyes. He couldn’t remember what happened at all. Everything felt like a dream. “What happened to me?” He asked._

_“The doctors couldn’t find any problem in your heart, that’s why they think that you had a panic attack suddenly.” His father explained._

_Makoto shook his head. “No, it was not suddenly. While I was walking in that place, I suddenly felt anxious and then this happened.”_

_“What do you mean, sweetie? His mother asked._

_“While I was walking through that place, I remembered something. In that place…” Makoto’s hands were shaking violently as he was talking. “In that place someone cut my throat.”_

_Both of his parents went silent. When Makoto woke up after Haru beated him up, he couldn’t remember what happened to him. Haruka Nanase was completely erased from his memory. The doctors thought it was because of the head trauma and he told them that Makoto’s memories would come back gradually. Since they didn’t want Makoto to have panic attacks, they decided not to tell the truth to Makoto, but they didn’t know what to do at that moment when Makoto started to remember the things. None of them could find the heart to tell Makoto the truth._

* * *

_Makoto was trying desperately to find out what was going on Haru’s head. This secret was ruining Haru’s physical health as well as his mental health. He couldn’t endure to see Haru like that. He wanted to support Haru in every possible way. He wanted to be the one Haru run to when he needed someone. “Haru, won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” He was talking with a soft voice._

_Haru was sure that Makoto wouldn’t talk to him with that voice ever again if he knew the truth. He shrugged his shoulders. “Why do you want to know about this that much?”_

_“Because I want to help you Haru and it is not because I’m your doctor, it is because I really care about you.” Makoto hugged Haru._

_Tears filled Haru’s eyes. ‘I bet you won’t when you hear what I did to you.’_

_“Haru, it’s alright.” Makoto wiped Haru’s tears. “I want to pull you away from the sorrow. That’s why please tell me Haru. I’m begging you.”_

_Haru eventually gave up and decided to confess everything to Makoto. “Alright… I will tell.”_

_Makoto smiled in relief and waited patiently while Haru was looking at his face, trying to memorize his facial features as if it was the last time he will see him. Makoto was confused. “Haru?”_

_Haru took a deep breath. “Do you remember the time you woke up in the hospital because of the severe head injuries?”_

_Makoto froze. How could Haru know this? “Yes, but my parents told that it was because I fell off stairs. The thing I didn’t understand is… How do you know about this?”_

_Haru swallowed, his throat was dry. “Because I was the reason why you were there.”_

_“How?” Makoto asked stuttering. He had an uneasy feeling about what Haru was going to say next._

_“It was because…” Haru started. “It was because, I beated you up that day... I’m also the reason why the scar on your throat.”_

_Makoto was confused even more at that moment. He would always cover that scar. Then how did Haru know about that scar?_

_Before he could ask anything Haru continued talking. “When we were children… I fell in love with you in the first sight, but… When I confessed my feelings to you, you made fun of me and beated the shit out of me with your friends.”_

_Makoto was listening in horror. He couldn’t remember this incident._

_“That’s why I wanted revenge!” Haru yelled. When he looked at Makoto, there was anger in his eyes. “First, while you were walking I cut your throat and after that… That night I sneaked into your house and…” He couldn’t tell what he did. The anger was gone now. There were shame and regret in his eyes._

_“Then what happened?” Makoto spoke with gritted teeth and clenched his fists. “What did you do to me?”_

_“I hit you with a big hammer that I brought with me several times.” Haru spoke fast and waited for Makoto’s reaction._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Makoto react?   
> We will see in the next chapter!


	8. Me Against You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru confessed everything and he lost Makoto.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “If you hurt me, I will hurt you too. From now on, you against me, me against you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh!   
> It's beautiful to write again! From now on I will update twice in a week!  
> I will update on Thursdays and Sundays!

_Makoto felt like someone poured buckets of cold water on him. Tears filled his eyes as he remembered the memories he forgot. Haru tried to hold Makoto's hand, but Makoto pulled his hands away. "Don't touch me!" He yelled._

_"Makoto... Listen to me please..." Haru literally begged._

_"What am I supposed to listen?" Makoto yelled on top of his lungs. "You almost killed me!"_

_Tears of regret filled Haru's eyes. "Makoto I wasn't aware of what I was doing! Please forgive me!"_

_"How can I?" Makoto clenched his fists. He was so close to lose his control. “Okay…” His voice was shaking as he was talking. “I admit that I did something wrong, but I didn’t deserve the horrible things you did to me…”_

_“Makoto… I didn’t know what I was doing…” Haru was also crying and trying desperately to make Makoto forgive him._

_“Fuck that! This is not an excuse!” Makoto yelled. “Look Haru, you need to get this straight. I will never forgive you.”_

_Haru expected this answer, moreover he lived this scene over and over in his nightmares, but it was worse than his nightmares. “Makoto…”_

_“Did you have fun while you were acting like you love me?” Makoto began crying without trying to hide it anymore. Why did it have to happen when his heart began something different toward Haru?_

_“No Makoto!” Haru yelled. “I wasn’t lying! I really love you!” He hugged Makoto._

_“Stop lying!” Makoto pushed Haru away from himself. “I won’t eat these lies anymore! In the past you were stronger than me, but not anymore. You can’t win anymore.” He walked to Haru. Haru walked backwards. The roles were changed now. Now Haru was the one who was scared and was trapped between the wall and Makoto. “If you hurt me, I will hurt you too. From now on, you against me, me against you.” With that he left the room, leaving Haru all alone again, but there was one difference from the last time: Makoto wasn’t going to come back._

_Haru went weak at the knees and collapsed to the ground. He couldn’t cry. Actually he didn’t feel anything at all. He was too tired to feel emotions._

_Haru had always been like that. Whenever he did something wrong, he would do it without thinking twice. He would act reckless all the time and would always do wrong things. However, he wouldn’t feel bad about these things until it catches back up to him eventually. It never hurt like this before though._

_“This time I lost Makoto forever…” He let out a silent sob._

* * *

_In the break time Makoto was sitting on a bench not really paying attention what was going on around him or wasn’t drinking his coffee which was cold now._

_Rin saw Makoto and sat next to him. “Hey, are you alright?”_

_“Yeah, I’m perfectly fine!” Makoto said in sarcasm and threw the paper cup to the trashcan._

_“What happened?” Rin asked._

_Makoto hesitated if he should tell the truth or not. He didn’t know Rin that long after all._

_“Is it something about Haru?” Rin asked._

_Makoto just nodded his head. He would definitely cry if he spoke._

_“He was always weird, I always knew something was different with him after a few weeks we started dating.” Rin said._

_Makoto felt jealousy was building up inside him. The last thing he wanted to hear was Rin’s memories with Haru. He frowned._

_Rin glanced at Makoto. “I’m sorry. I should have known that you wouldn’t want to hear that.”_

_“No,” Makoto finally spoke. “I want to hear more.”_

_Rin sighed softly. “Are you sure about this?”_

_Makoto nodded his head. “Yes, I’m sure about this.”_

_Rin let out a sigh again. “Okay if you want…” He started telling his story._

_Makoto was both scared when he heard that Haru broke Sousuke’s shoulder just because he patted Rin’s shoulder and felt pity for Haru when he heard that Haru’s parents left him in the mental ward and didn’t visit him even once. He was also mad at Rin for not being Haru’s side. “No matter what, you should have been by his side as his lover. Didn’t you think that he would need you?”_

_“I’m regret…” Rin spoke with a low voice._

_“There is no point crying over spilt milk.” Makoto got up and walked away. ‘It seems like from now on me against you, you against me, Haru.’_

* * *

_Makoto couldn’t sleep. He was looking at the ceiling. He was thinking about Haru. ‘What is he doing? Is he unable to fall asleep too? Did he eat?’ He sat up. He wanted to take his phone and dial the ward’s number, but he couldn’t even though he desperately wanted to hear Haru’s voice._

_Makoto let the tears slide down his cheeks. He was about to make the hardest decision of his life._

* * *

_Haru couldn’t sleep either. Didn’t Makoto know how it felt to let him go? The voices in his head wouldn’t let him to sleep._

_‘Go on and hurt the one that you love.’_

_‘I’m not hurting Makoto!’ Haru internally screamed, but it didn’t seem like it affected the voice in his head._

_The voice chuckled. ‘You know that he always did his best to help you, but you are just an ungrateful kid.’_

_Haru shook his head and covered his ears. ‘No, you are lying! Just shut up already!’_

_The voice laughed this time. “Do you think that everything will be better when I’m quiet? You are living in shit! You are pathetic! Even your parents don’t want you! No one wants you! You are just an extra! You are better off dead!’_

_“Enough! Just shut up! Shut up!” Haru screamed and punched the mirror on the wall. The mirror was shattered and his hand was bleeding. Haru smiled sadistically. He hadn’t cut himself for a long time and he missed the warmth of blood. He cut himself once and began laughing uncontrollably. “Makoto where are you? I’m dying! Won’t you save me? Come back! Come back and stop me from killing myself! Didn’t you say that you would keep me away from the sorrow? Then where the hell are you now?” He screamed and cut himself more._

_“You are quiet!” Haru chuckled meaning the voice in his head. “Are you happy?” He screamed. “Look! Come and watch! I’m bleeding!” He was screaming while he was laughing. Luckily, he didn’t cut that deep. He laid onto the ground as the blood was leaking. He was crying as he was staring at the wall. “I love you Makoto…” He whispered and closed his eyes, hoping to see Makoto in his dreams._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Makoto ever forgive Haru?


	9. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Makoto left Haru got depressed.  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ 'Stay with me Makoto. I love you too much to let you go.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter may be triggering for some people. So if you are uncomfortable or affected easily, please don't read the chapter.   
> I won't tolerate any hate comments.

_The doctor looked at Makoto in surprise. "Doctor Tachibana, are you sure about this?"_

_Makoto nodded his head. "Yes, I'm sure. It is hard to deal with Haruka Nanase."_

_The doctor sighed. "I don't accept your withdrawal. It seems like you had some quarrel with Nanase-san. This can be solved with time. That's why please think carefully before telling your final decision."_

_Makoto nodded his head. "Alright... Thank you." Makoto sighed and left the room. 'What should I do now?' He thought, but he knew what he would choose deep down inside. His destiny was intertwined with Haru's and he had nothing to do about it._

_After leaving the head’s office, Makoto took his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to Rin that he wanted to talk with him. He waited for a while until Rin showed up._

_“What would you like to talk about?” Rin asked._

_“Can you take care of Haru for me?” Makoto asked. Even though he is jealous of thinking Haru would be with his ex boyfriend, he couldn’t trust anyone else about Haru._

_“But…” Rin tried to reject since he wasn’t working on that mental ward anymore._

_“I will talk to the chief doctor and tell him that everything was my fault.” Makoto said._

_“Makoto… You don’t have to do that.” Rin was emotional at that moment._

_“I’m not doing this for you.” Makoto said harshly._

_Rin looked down sadly. “Yes, true.”_

_No matter how much he trusted Rin about Haru, there would always be a distance between them._

* * *

_“Are you sure about your decision?” The chief doctor gazed Makoto suspiciously._

_The look in his eyes made Makoto feel uncomfortable. “Yes… I thought Haru would feel more comfortable with someone who he is familiar.”_

_“Because of his irresponsibility, a lot of people might have been hurt. You know the last mistake he made,” he said._

_Makoto sighed. People who has dissociative identity disorder were always considered as violent people, but the idea of ‘evil alter’ is not always a true idea. “If that happens again, I will take the responsibility.”_

_“Then, I accept your request, but in the slightest mistake you will be responsible.” The chief doctor warned. “You are a good doctor and I don’t want to lose you.”_

_Makoto nodded his head. “Nothing will go wrong, I promise.”_

_Haru looked up when he heard the door was unlocked. He was disappointed when he saw that it wasn’t Makoto who went into the room, it was Rin._

_Rin was shocked when he saw the shattered mirror and Haru’s sleeves were stained with blood. He gasped. “Haru… What have you done?”_

_Haru rolled his eyes, but he didn’t answer._

_Rin sighed and sat on the bed next to Haru. “Haru… When will you forgive me?”_

_Haru shrugged his shoulders._

_Tears filled Rin’s eyes. “Haru, please talk to me.”_

_Haru chuckled lightly. “Do you want me to talk to you? Then where were you when I wanted to talk with you back then?”_

_“Haru…” Rin tried to speak, but Haru stopped him._

_“You were the first person who turned their back to me!” Haru screamed at Rin._

_“Haru I know it is not an excuse, but I was just a teenager back then… I didn’t know about your disorder and I was scared when I saw how you harmed Sousuke.” Rin tried to make Haru see his side._

_Haru clenched his fists. Rin shut closed his eyes, expecting Haru to hit him, but Haru didn’t. “I didn’t mean any harm… Rin I swear I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought you were doing something behind my back.”_

_Rin sighed. He didn’t want to talk about this at that moment. He stood up and stood in front of Haru. He rolled Haru’s sleeves up. The blood on his wrists was dried. “Let’s clean these wounds or else they will be infected.”_

_Haru nodded his head and let Rin clean to his wounds. He winced slightly when the hydrogen peroxide burned his skin._

_“Why did you do that, Haru?” Rin asked._

_The only thing Haru said was “Makoto…”_

_“What about Makoto?” Rin asked curiously._

_Haru didn’t answer, he just began crying. Rin was surprised. He didn’t know what to do. He hugged Haru, trying to comfort him. Haru was shaking as he was sobbing. Rin rubbed his back. Eventually Haru calmed down enough to talk. “Makoto hates me…”_

* * *

_“I’m regret for everything I did to him…” Haru said quietly after he told his story._

_Rin sighed, he knew how Haru would be like when he lost his temper. “Then don’t give up on him and prove that you really love him.”_

_“How can I prove him this?” Haru asked. Rin wasn’t be able to take him out this time since he was constantly being watched by the chief doctor._

_“There is no another choice but wait for Makoto to come back.” Rin sighed even though he wasn’t sure if Makoto will ever come back. Then he got an idea. “Haru, give me Makoto’s address.”_

_Haru was confused. “Why?”_

_“I will talk to Makoto,” Rin said._

* * *

_“Oh, Rin...” Makoto blinked his eyes in confusion. When he heard the knock on the door, Rin was the last person he expected to see. “Come in.” Makoto invited Rin in._

_Rin went inside. He had been thinking about the things that he was going to tell Makoto, but when he saw Makoto, he became speechless._

_“Did you want to talk about something?” Makoto asked._

_“Actually yes. It is about Haru,” Rin answered._

_Makoto was worried. “Did something bad happened to Haru?” His heart began beating incredibly fast._

_“Yes, he self harmed himself…” Rin sighed. “It is because of your absence. Makoto, he needs you more than everyone. So please come back.” He begged Makoto._

* * *

_‘I’m stupid.’ Haru thought. ‘I thought I was smarter than this…’ It was obviously not the right time for reminding himself to Makoto. He reminded himself to Makoto and now he was in the mental ward without him._

_He felt so lost, but there was nothing he could do._

_He wanted Makoto to come back, because his love for Makoto was real. He needed to prove this to Makoto._

_He didn’t have no one to go or nothing to hold on to before Makoto. He was so close to give up on everything. Makoto was the only light for him in the darkness._

_“Please change your mind, Makoto…” He whispered. “Please come back.”_

_He didn’t know how, but no matter what he was going to win Makoto’s heart._

_“Please change your mind and say that you are mine, Makoto.” He cried silently._

_‘Stay with me Makoto. I love you too much to let you go.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Makoto ever forgive Haru?   
> Or no?


	10. Love Me Or Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will Makoto decide?   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ "Will you love me or leave me forever?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes!   
> We reached the first half of the story!   
> Thank you everyone who read the story so far! Kudos and comments mean a lot to me!   
> Note: The conversation between Rin and Makoto triggered me. Because a similar conversation happened between my former partner and best friend...

_Haru was pacing in his room while waiting for Rin. When Rin finally walked into the room Haru immediately ran toward him. "I hope you are here to give me some good news, Rin." Haru glared at Rin with anger. He was more aggressive than usual recently. Makoto's absence affected him more than Rin thought._

_Rin bit his lip as he remembered the conversation which he made with Makoto._

* * *

**_Makoto shook his head at Rin’s words. “No, never again.” He seemed adamant about his decision._ **

**_“Please Makoto… Will you be happy if Haru harms himself?” Rin felt tears in his eyes._ **

**_“I don’t fucking care.” Makoto said hiding the fact that he actually cared._ **

**_Rin got down on his knees in front of Makoto. “Makoto, I’m begging you. The things between you two may actually turn out good. Please don’t push this away.”_ **

**_Makoto was in shock when Rin got down on his knees in front of him. Someone was literally begging him, but he wasn’t going to give up on his decision. He couldn’t let Haru destroy him again. “He will be fine without me.” Makoto turned his back to Rin. “If you don’t have anything else to say, maybe you should go. I have things to do.”_ **

**_When Rin understood that there wasn’t anything left to do, he got up and left Makoto’s house without saying anything._ **

* * *

_"Haru... I'm sorry, but Makoto doesn't want to come back..." Rin eventually answered the question._

_Haru grabbed Rin's collar. "You are lying!" He yelled at Rin not wanting to believe that his precious Makoto will leave him forever._

_“Haru, calm down.” Rin tried to hug Haru._

_Haru pushed Rin away causing him to lose his balance and fall onto the ground. “Don’t touch me! I don’t want your touch! I want Makoto!” Haru screamed at Rin._

_Rin knew that the best solution was leaving Haru alone until he calmed down. That’s why he didn’t try to calm Haru down anymore and left the room without another word._

* * *

_When he was alone again, Haru tried to calm down, taking deep breaths. He was thinking about his whole life. He endured many things so far, but he couldn’t take Makoto’s sudden goodbye._

_Haru didn’t believe Rin, but he needed to talk with Makoto. He needed to know if everything between them was ended._

_Then something on the ground caught his eye. It was a key. Haru understood that Rin had dropped one of his spare keys. Rin was always like that. Since he always loses his keys, he always take spare keys with him._

_Haru smirked and took the spare key, but his conscience was disturbing him. He didn’t want to get Rin into trouble again, but at the same time he was aching for seeing Makoto. “What should I do?” He mumbled to himself._

* * *

_It was one of the days when Haru went to the ward’s garden with a supervisor. That was Makoto’s advice to Rin saying that it would be hard for someone stay between these walls. He didn’t want anyone else but Rin to observe him._

_“You miss Makoto too much, don’t you?” Rin asked._

_“Yes, I do,” Haru said. Then he got up from the bench._

_“Where are you going?” Rin asked confused. “You still have free time.”_

_“I’m bored.” Haru said simply as he was walking toward his room._

* * *

_Haru couldn’t run away from the memories in his mind no matter how hard he tried and he was fading slowly. Every doctor in the hospital was worried about him, or they acted as if they were worried, but Haru didn’t care._

_He would give everything to see Makoto one more time. He didn’t know when he would see Makoto again. He never pretended, he really loved Makoto and he was always going to love him._

_He was missing Makoto. He was missing Makoto a lot. His mind had become so impatient. He needed Makoto’s touch again. He wanted to hug Makoto again. He needed Makoto. Still, he loved Makoto a lot. “Please come to me, Makoto…”_

_Oh how he wished to hold Makoto in his arms and feel his body’s warmth. He wished to go back to the time and change that horrible day. Then everything could have been different now…_

* * *

_Days were passing but they were not the same without Haru. Makoto felt he was so lost somewhere in life. Days were definitely not the same. There was a feeling of being deprived. He was deprived from Haru’s love, he was deprived from Haru’s arms. Even though he learned what Haru did to him, he still loved Haru. He still loved Haru too much._

_There were no words which he could use to explain the of his heart. His love for Haru was true from the start. Haru had turned things for Makoto, but it was difficult to do away with his part. Makoto needed Haru to know that this was all true, that he was still in love with him._

_He thought his life would be easier after leaving Haru, but he was so very wrong and he could tell that he had no life at all without Haru. Haru was his part and he was also his road to follow too. He could hear Haru’s voice in his mind. ‘Please come back in my life, Makoto and give me back my lost smile.’_

_Maybe he was going crazy or maybe he wasn’t, but he already made his decision and grabbed his car’s keys._

_“Oni-chan, where are you going?” Ran asked curiously. He must have made so much noise and woke her up. “It is too late.”_

_“I just have something to do. I will come back soon.” Makoto said and left the house without waiting for Ran’s answer._

_He immediately drove to the ward. Luckily there were no traffic at that late hour, so he arrived earlier than he thought._

_As he was walking into the ward through the doors, he rolled his eyes when he saw the security guard was sleeping as always. ‘I don’t understand why they still keep this man in here.’ He shrugged his shoulders and headed to Haru’s room._

_When he saw the door was not locked, his heart began beating in worry. He took a deep breathe to calm himself down before he opened the door only to see the room was empty._

_“No Haru... Please, don’t run away again…”_

_Makoto had discovered Haru had social anxiety besides dissociative identity disorder. He ran his hand through his hair._

_“Think! Where can he possibly be?” Makoto talked to himself. When he calmed down, he could think more clearly. He remembered the time when Haru told him that how much he missed to see the ocean. Maybe he wasn’t as far as he thought at first._

_Makoto headed to the roof and sighed with relief when he saw Haru was sitting there._

_Haru heard someone’s foot steps behind him, but he didn’t bother to look who they were. He just thought it was another patient who sneaked out. “People are usually afraid of heights, but they do not know that the most beautiful view is seen from above.”_

_Makoto’s felt the warmth in his heart when he heard Haru’s voice. “I don’t need to go above to see beautiful views.”_

_‘This voice… No… It is too beautiful to be true… This is the illusion of my mind…’ However, he still looked behind and saw Makoto was there. He wanted to talk, but words didn’t come out._

_Makoto hugged Haru. “I’m sorry Haru… I’m terribly sorry for leaving you all alone just because I got mad at you.” Makoto’s voice began trembling in sadness as if he was about to cry. “I know the thing I did was a terrible thing to do and I sincerely apologize for everything… Please forgive me Haru…”_

_Haru slowly got away from Haru’s arms. “Too many times I have been left behind, Makoto.” His face was emotionless as always, but the tears were running down from his cheeks. “I have to ask something to last.”_

_Makoto wiped Haru’s tears gently. “Sure, you can ask anything you want.”_

_Haru looked into Makoto’s eyes. “Will you love me or leave me forever?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't make them apart for so long >~<  
> But I have another plans! Just wait!


	11. The Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto forgave Haru, but is the happiness close to them as much as they think?   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “I promise this is the last night you spend away from me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow!   
> It is near the end for this story and I don't know why, but it makes me sad... I guess I attached this fiction more than I thought.   
> No joke! There are last 9 chapters! I won't forget about the days I stayed until the morning to write this story!   
> Okay...   
> I should leave some speech for the final too! I hope you enjoy my story!   
> (This note is for the people who reads my story now and to the ones who will read in the future: I love you all and thank you for reading my story <3)

_When he saw Haru in the first time, he had scars on his wrists and in his heart. When Haru saw Makoto for the first time after a long time, he used to think death was his only escape. He felt alone and distant from everyone, but Makoto made him feel like he was belong._

_Even though Haru was thinking of suicide, he was trying to cover his feelings saying that he was okay. He was hiding who he really was from everyone, but Makoto was the only person that knows what he truly was._

_“I will love you forever, Haru. Despite everything I will always love you.” Makoto answered without hesitation and connected their lips. Makoto wanted Haru to understand that he was always going to be there for him and he was never going to leave him alone. After a few seconds of kissing, Makoto pulled back and rubbed his thumb on Haru’s bottom lip. “I promise this is the last night you spend away from me.” Makoto loved Haru and was going to be always there for him._

_“Really?” Haru couldn’t hold his tears back anymore. “Do you really promise me, Makoto?” He asked with a shaking voice._

_Makoto pressed his lips against Haru’s lips again before he answered. “Yes, I promise you Haru.”_

_Haru wrapped his arms around Makoto and buried his face into Makoto’s chest. He trusted Makoto with his whole being._

* * *

_“I can’t believe we are doing this in the middle of the night.” Haru said as Makoto was pulling him to the outside._

_Makoto just gave a childish smile to Haru. He felt like high school students who skipped the school for a romantic running away._

_“At least, can you tell me where we are going?” Haru asked as he was trying to keep up with Makoto._

_“You will see, it is a surprise.” Makoto smiled. He couldn’t let Haru to see the ocean from that far away. He wanted to show Haru the sea from a closer view. Then he got another cheesy idea._

_Haru gasped when Makoto blindfolded him. “Makoto what are you doing?”_

_“Trust me Haru.” Makoto hugged Haru behind and kissed him on the cheek._

_Haru nodded his head and smiled. “I do with my whole heart.”_

* * *

_After 45 minutes of driving, Makoto arrived to the destination he planned. “We are there.” He informed Haru and stopped the car._

_“Can I take the blindfold off now?” Haru asked._

_“Not yet.” Makoto said and got out of the car. He opened the other car door to help Haru._

_Haru held Makoto’s hand and began walking with him. He wondered where they were, but his curiosity didn’t last long as soon as he heard the voices of the waves. “Makoto…” He couldn’t find the words to explain his enthusiasm._

_Makoto took the blindfold off. “I wanted to show the sea to you from somewhere closer.”_

_Tears began flowing down Haru’s cheeks. No one had done such a beautiful thing for him before. He was so emotional that he couldn’t even speak._

_“Haru?” Makoto asked worriedly when he saw Haru was crying. “Did I do something wrong”_

_“No…” Haru could finally talk. “It is too beautiful.” Haru looked at Makoto and smiled. “No one had done such a beautiful thing for me before.” He hugged Makoto tightly. “Thank you.”_

_Makoto smiled and kissed Haru’s head. “I would do anything for you, Haru.” He pulled away a bit and held Haru’s hands giving them a gentle squeeze. “I want to be there for you everytime. I want to be with you always and forever. No matter what has happened. No matter what you have done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. Will you let me Haru?”_

_Haru felt new tears were coming down from his eyes. “You have no idea about how much you made me happy.”_

_“I’m glad that I made you happy.” Makoto smiled. “I want to make you happy in the rest of our lives too.”_

_“I don’t want to think about the future right now,” Haru said. He didn’t sound as enthusiast as Makoto. “I just want to focus on this moment.” He leaned his head on Makoto’s shoulder and watched the sparkles of the moonlight which were reflecting on the water._

_Makoto felt someone was stabbing his heart with the tiny needles, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to spoil the moment which they had together._

* * *

_The sun began rising on the sky and they were still there, laying on the sand and talking about everything._

_Makoto tried to surpass his yawn, but he was too tired. On the other hand Haru didn’t seem tired. He was watching the sun rise as if he wouldn’t never see it ever again. “Haru we should go back.”_

_Haru nodded his head and reluctantly stood up._

_It was cold and Haru was wearing thin clothes. Makoto took his coat off and put it on Haru’s shoulders._

_Haru didn’t talk at all while they were walking to the car and Makoto was driving him back to the mental ward._

_It was like Haru had something in his mind. “What’s wrong Haru?”_

_“Nothing,” Haru said nonchalantly._

_Makoto wanted to insist, but he knew Haru wouldn’t tell him any single thing. The rest of their ride to the ward was silent._

* * *

_As Makoto was laying him onto his bed, Haru didn’t resist him. It was easy to get in without the security guard noticed them, since he was sleeping. Makoto kissed Haru’s head again. “Sleep well Haru.”_

_Haru just nodded his head and closed his eyes._

_As soon as Haru fell asleep, Makoto left the room silently. He felt like there was something off with Haru and he was going to learn what was wrong with him one way or another._

* * *

_When Haru woke up, he thought about the last night. It was too beautiful to be true, but he saw he was wearing Makoto’s coat. He smiled. He really loved Makoto too much, but he was not worthy for someone’s like Makoto love and he was sad._

_He was sad because he couldn’t have a future with Haru._

_He was sad because he made a decision which he was not intended to change yet._

_He was sad because he wasn’t going to tell any of this to Makoto until he thought it is the right time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is Haru planning?   
> What is he hiding from Makoto?   
> Will we learn in the next chapter? I don't know *giggle*


	12. Drugs Don't Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru doesn't need drugs. All he needs is Makoto.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “Makoto, these drugs don’t work. They make me worse. Just seeing your face makes me feel better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter may contain some triggering subjects. If you are not comfortable or affected easily, please don't read the story!

_Makoto went to the chief doctor’s office to inform him about his decision to continue being Haru’s doctor._

_“I’m glad to hear this. Actually I want to talk with you about him,” he started. “So far, he did not make any positive progress. No matter how many doctors gave him medicines, they didn’t stop him from self harming.”_

_Makoto frowned. “Because you are using the wrong treatment.” Makoto was really annoyed. “The main treatment for dissociative identity disorder is psychotherapy.”_

_The chief doctor gave Makoto a disdainful look. “So are you claiming that you know better?”_

_Makoto gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. “Yes, because this is one of the situations where medications do not work well in psychiatry. Medications only reduce symptoms. They fail to bring together the dissociated minds. Therefore, it does not provide a permanent improvement.”_

_The chief doctor threw a file in front of Makoto. Makoto looked at the file in confusion. “Everything he had done is in this file. He should be happy that he is observed by the doctors instead of guardians.” He looked at Makoto as if he was threatening him. “Tell him to learn some self control and not to push the limits and as for you, if you don’t want to lose your job learn to hold your tongue.”_

_Makoto just rolled his eyes and left the room. He slammed shut the door. He heard the chief doctor was yelling behind him, but he ignored._

_The chief doctor was really getting on his nerves._

* * *

_Makoto went into Haru’s room and found him standing in the middle of a blood pool. There was a sharp glass on his hand and blood was still dripping down from his palm and from his wrists._

_“Haru!” Makoto screamed in horror._

_Haru looked at him blankly._

_Makoto understood that he scared Haru and began walking to him slowly, trying not to scare him. “Haru, give it to me,” he spoke with a kind voice._

_“Who are you?” Haru spoke slowly and began walking backwards._

_“Haru it’s me, Makoto.” Makoto understood Haru was experiencing a dissociation. It was scary watching the person he loved was living this situation. He was scared, helpless and unsure what to do at that moment._

_“Leave me alone!” Haru screamed and lifted the sharp glass._

_Makoto grabbed Haru’s wrist and snatched the glass from his hand. He hugged Haru tightly. “Haru, I’m here…” He rubbed Haru’s back soothingly._

_Haru burried his face into Makoto’s face and began sobbing._

* * *

_Haru felt like he was in a dream. He could control his body and his movements, but it still felt like a dream. A part of him knew that it was Makoto and Makoto would never hurt him, a part of him couldn’t recognize Makoto._

_“Leave me alone!” Haru screamed as the familiar imposter was walking toward him. He lifted the sharp glass and was ready to stab him._

_However, the stranger grabbed his wrist and snatched the glass from his hand. He tried to push Makoto away from himself when he hugged him. He was rubbing Haru’s back soothingly. Haru eventually stopped struggling and began sobbing into Makoto’s chest._

* * *

_After a while Haru regained his senses and looked at the blood on the ground. He gulped. “Makoto, what happened to me?”_

_“You experienced a dissociative episode, but it’s okay now. I’m by your side,” Makoto spoke with a soft voice and stroked Haru’s hair._

_“I’m sorry,” was all Haru could say._

_“It’s okay.” Makoto comforted Haru. “You didn’t do this on purpose.”_

_“If you leave my life, I’m better off dead.” Haru pressed his lips against Makoto’s lips._

* * *

_Even though he took his sleeping pills, they failed him. He was clutching the duvet tightly. He woke up breathless. These medicines were supposed to stop the nightmares, but he still had those nightmares. His breathing and heartbeats were getting faster._

_He had lost the track of time, since the clock’s tick tocks were triggering him there wasn’t a clock on his room, he didn’t know if it was past the midnight or not. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper sleep. He tried to force himself to sleep, but it didn’t work either._

_He was so scared, he felt so alone. He felt like he was stuck and there were no way out._

_He needed Makoto. He needed to see Makoto._

_He needed to see Makoto as much as possible._

_With this decision he made, he wore the coat which Makoto forgot to take and sneaked outside._

_He opened the door silently and looked around. The duty doctor was not around. ‘She must be checking the other patients.’ So he didn’t have much time. He began walking to the exit. He was constantly looking behind being careful not to being caught by her._

_The security guard was sleeping as always. Haru smirked and walked outside._

_‘That was easier than I thought.’_

* * *

_Makoto had a great night._

_He was alone at home, his parents and siblings weren’t going to be at home, they had gone to a trip to spend their weekend, but he was too tired to go with them, and he was enjoying from the silence in his room. He needed this after a long day in the ward._

_He was about to fall asleep when he heard the tapping on his window. He immediately sat up. He was not sure if he heard correct. That’s why he listened carefully. He thought he heard wrong, but then he heard the tapping voice again._

_He slowly walked to his window. He was scared, but his curiosity beated his fear. Since he suddenly opened the window, Haru lost his balance and fell on Makoto._

_Haru began chuckling as if there was something funny in this situation. It was not because the situation was funny, it was because of his exhaustion. Because of the countless nights he hadn’t sleep properly he felt like he was losing his sanity._

_“Haru!” Makoto called out in surprise and he was worried. “What are you doing in here at such a late hour?” By escaping from the hospital for the second time, Haru was playing with the fire. They were together just a few hours ago, then what was he doing there?_

_“I couldn’t sleep. Whenever I close my eyes, the nightmares are suffocating me.” Haru said, his voice was hoarse as if he was crying a while ago. “Makoto, these drugs don’t work. They make me worse. Just seeing your face makes me feel better.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Where is Haru?


	13. Better Than Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru wants to spend one last night with Makoto before he does the thing in his mind.  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ He went even more closer to Makoto. He could feel Makoto’s heartbeats. “I love you Makoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be the fluffiest chapter in the work >~<  
> I don't know what I am doing since it was supposed to be a psychological thriller!  
> Warning!  
> This chapter may contain some depressive thoughts and triggering scenes!  
> If you are not comfortable, don't read.

_"I can’t believe you.” Makoto’s eyes widened in surprise._

_“I would do anything for you.” Haru gave a small kiss to Makoto and then pulled back. “You are the only hope that I hold inside. You are the reason I’m still alive. You are my only escape from that messed up mental ward.”_

_Makoto kissed Haru’s head. “As I told you before, I will always be by your side Haru. If there is one thing I’m afraid, it is losing you. I’m in love with you Haru.” This was a fact, but this was the first time he had expressed this. His cheeks were pink after saying this out loud._

_Haru chuckled lightly. It was so cute to see Makoto embarrassed. “How can I be so lucky to have you? You are the kindest person I have ever meet. I love you so much Makoto.”_

_“I’m the one who is lucky,” Makoto gave Haru his usual charming smile. He was telling the truth. Because someone as selfish as Makoto, didn’t deserve someone like Haru._

_Haru wanted to say the things which he kept inside, but he held his tongue._

_“Are you going to stay?” Makoto spoke with hope even though he knew that it was impossible._

_Haru hesitated first, but he wanted to stay with Makoto as much as possible. “Yes, I will stay with you tonight.”_

_Makoto smiled and pulled Haru into a hug. “Then let’s just sleep.”_

_Makoto was squeezing him too much, but Haru wasn’t complaining about it. He was just too happy being in Makoto’s arms. It was a beautiful feeling. He couldn’t remember how being hugged by someone feels since no one hugged him for a long time. “Yes.” He went even more closer to Makoto. He could feel Makoto’s heartbeats. “I love you Makoto.” However, Makoto didn’t hear him, because he was already sleeping._

_Haru sighed and fell asleep as well._

_This sleep was the best sleep of his life. There were no nightmares, no voices in his head. It was way much better than the sleep with the assist of the medicines._

_Makoto was better than drugs for him._

* * *

_When Haru woke up it was still dark. The clock on Makoto’s bedside table was saying it was 03.17 in the morning. Makoto’s arms were still wrapped around him._

_He slowly unwrapped Makoto’s arms around himself, being careful not to wake Makoto up._

_He watched Makoto’s features as if he wants to memorize. He touched Makoto’s hair and brushed them back gently. He leaned over to Makoto and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry, Makoto.” He fixed his clothes and he put a small paper onto the bedside table before leaving Makoto’s house silently._

_‘You shouldn’t have left that mental ward yesterday. You should have stayed in that hell hole, this is what you deserve.’_

_Haru began running. He ran until his lungs started hurting and his legs gave up. When he eventually collapsed on the ground, he was somewhere he was not familiar. He didn’t know how to go back, but it was certain that he wasn’t going to stay there._

_He walked toward a random direction, not noticing that he was going deeper into the wood. He walked about one hour until he heard that demonic voice again._

_‘You did the right thing.’ Unlike other times, the voice was praising him this time. So Haru knew he was doing something wrong. ‘No one will worry about you. Even your parents don’t want you. You are just a burden!’ The voice laughed sadistically._

_Haru closed his ears and began crying._

_“Shut up!” He screamed. He curled under a tree and began crying._

* * *

_Another hour passed and even though it was not even noon, it was dark because of the dark clouds on the sky. It was going to rain. He couldn’t stay there any longer. He wiped the dust off from his clothes._

_He was mentally and physically tired, but he kept walking until he reached a cliff._

_He looked down and saw the ocean. “How can something be so beautiful and terrifying at the same time?” It was like the ocean was calling him. Haru always loved the ocean. Death in the hands of the ocean would be a beautiful death for him. He stepped to the edge of the cliff._

_‘There are people who lives a worse life than you and look at you. You are pathetic.’_

_Haru’s tears dropped on his hand._

_“When will you leave me alone?” he screamed, but there was no response of course. The voice would speak whenever it wanted._

* * *

_‘If you were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening to you right now. Accept it! You are weak!’_

_Haru clenched his fists. He had enough. It was enough. He was done with being tormented by these voices in his head._

_He was standing on the edge for about one hour, he was hesitating if he should just jump or not. His mind was telling him to just commit suicide and end the pain, but his heart was telling him that Makoto was going to cry if he dies._

_“I wish I could leave my heart out of this,” Haru let out a sigh._

**_‘I will always love you, Haru. Despite everything I will always love you.’_ **

_Makoto’s voice was running through his head and warming his heart, but his happiness didn’t last long. The voice spoke again after an hour of silence._

_‘Nothing good is ever going to happen to you. You will always be in the misery.’_

_Haru sighed and ignored the voice. Something good happened to him for the first time in his life and maybe it would happen again._

* * *

_‘If you tell other people about me, they will think that you are crazy.’_

_Haru let out a sigh in annoyance. “I know.”_

_He remembered the first time he talked about the voice to his mother and how she insulted him saying that he was out of his mind._

_No one would believe someone who hears voices in his mind._

* * *

_‘You shouldn’t keep on living. What’s the point of you being alive after all?’_

_“Makoto…” Haru spoke with a weak voice._

_‘You should leave Makoto. If he keeps being with you, he will have to deal with me too. He could have a normal and a happy life with someone else.’_

_“No! He loves me!” Tears began streaming down Haru’s face again._

_‘Not only Makoto, everyone would be happier without you!’_

_“Shut up already! Leave me alone!” Haru screamed, but he couldn’t stop the voices. They kept hurting him even more._

_‘I will never let you to be happy!’_

_“You already making my life a living hell! Please… Stop already…” Haru begged and got on his knees._

_‘You are wasting your life by being still alive! Just die already!’_

_“When will you stop?” Haru asked desperately trying to find an escape from this hell._

_‘I will never leave you!’ The voice laughed._

_“Fine... You have won.” Haru wiped his tears away and walked over to the edge again._

_‘That’s it! Tomorrow won’t be better, so there is no meaning of living for one more day.’_

_Haru looked down the water and whispered to the wind even though he knew his words will never reach to Makoto. “Forgive me Makoto…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Makoto be able to find Haru on time?


	14. Unspoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto is looking for Haru in everywhere desperately.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “Makoto wait!” Rin called out behind, but Makoto didn’t stop. He was so focused on finding Haru that he was blind and deaf to something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to think about this chapter hahah!   
> I love you all <3

_Makoto was disappointed when he saw that Haru was not by his side. He hoped to find Haru there when he woke up._

_Then something caught on his eye. There was a paper on his bedside table. He took the paper and read the note which was written with Haru’s messy handwriting. ‘Maybe we should accept that our hearts will always separate. Goodbye forever.’_

_Makoto’s heart began beating fast in worry._

_He immediately got out of the bed and wore the clothes which he grabbed randomly. No matter how long it takes, he was going to find Haru._

_He didn’t care about anything else at that moment. Haru was all that matters to him. He only hoped he was not late._

* * *

_Makoto didn’t know where Haru could have been. He was so nervous. There was no one he could ask for help and he didn’t know what to do._

_He was so alone without Haru. It was feeling like he was alone in the desert without anywhere to go and without anyone to rely on._

_‘Please let Haru be okay…’ He prayed to God even though he didn’t believe a God’s existence at all. He just needed some hopes to hold on._

_He began looking for Haru everywhere._

* * *

_First he began walking to Haru’s parents’ house, hoping that Haru would be there. He remembered Haru told him where he used to live._

_He began walking there while his heart is beating fast in excitement and worry, but he didn’t know why he was excited. Was he excited for seeing Haru, or was he excited for that he was going to meet Haru’s parents._

_He walked to the house and knocked the door, but no one answered._

_He thought about going back, but no he couldn’t go back now. Haru was more important than anything. He punched the door harder._

_Eventually a woman opened the door. She had Haru’s eyes and hair, but she was not like Haru. “What do you want?”_

_The hate in her voice made Makoto shudder. “I wondered if Haru…”_

_Before he could finish his sentence the woman snapped at him. “He is not here and he can’t even take a step into this house ever again.”_

_Before Makoto could even react, she slammed shut the door. Makoto frowned and clenched his fists. With these parents it was not surprising that Haru has psychological problems._

* * *

_Makoto checked the paper which he wrote Rin’s address. He didn’t give a possibility that Haru was going to be there, but he needed to check. He knocked the door._

_After a few seconds Rin opened the door. “Makoto? What are you doing in here?”_

_Makoto was about to lose his courage. He didn’t feel brave as much as he came there first. “I wondered if Haru was here,” he stuttered._

_“No,” Rin was confused. “Why would he be here?”_

_Makoto bit his bottom lip nervously. “Because he escaped from the mental ward.”_

_Rin’s eyes widened in horror. “Again? Wait for me in here. If we look for him together, we can find him earlier.”_

_Even though Rin didn’t say anything, Makoto understood very well. If they couldn’t find Haru fast enough, it might have been too late for everything._

* * *

_“I looked every police station, but no one could find him,” Sousuke said. Rin already informed him about Haru’s disappearance._

_“Okay, I see…” Rin sighed. “Thank you… Can you keep looking?”_

_“Sure.” Sousuke hung up._

_By looking at Rin’s expression, Makoto understood the news were not good. Rin looked at Makoto in sadness. “I’m sorry Makoto, but Sousuke couldn’t find him either.”_

_They had been looking at hospitals, but they couldn’t find Haru. He was not in any of these hospitals. Actually these were good news. At least he knew that Haru was still alive and not injured._

_Rin held Makoto’s hand to soothe him. “Don’t worry, Makoto. We will find him.”_

_Makoto swallowed the lump in his throat and he put his biggest fear into the words. “Do you think he is alive?”_

_Rin was not sure about this, but when he saw that Makoto was about to cry he couldn’t tell his honest opinion. “Of course he is alive.”_

* * *

_“This was the last hospital in this environment and he is not in here either,” Makoto sighed in relief._

_“I’m sorry…” Rin looked down, he was too ashamed that he couldn’t look Makoto in the eye._

_“Why are you apologizing?” Makoto asked confused. He was sad and tired._

_“Even though I know Haru for a long time, I have no idea where he is right now…” Rin sighed. “I should be embarrassed on myself right now.”_

_“It’s okay…” Makoto said as if he could say something else in that situation. “Let’s look for him in the sea shores,” he suggested when he eventually remembered how much Haru loved the sea._

_“This is a good idea.” Rin agreed with Makoto._

_“Then let’s go.” Makoto began walking._

* * *

_The sun was setting and after the hours of searching, they still couldn’t find Haru in anywhere. Makoto lost all of the hopes he had before. He was almost sure about Haru was waiting for him somewhere close to the sea._

_“This was the last place I thought he could have been… I’m sorry Makoto…” Rin sighed._

_Makoto collapsed on his knees and burried his face into his hands as he was crying. Rin patted Makoto’s shoulder trying to soothe him, but he was obviously failing. “Leave me alone, Rin… Please.”_

_“No Makoto. I will stay with you until we hear something from Haru.” Rin sat next to Makoto, refusing to leave him alone._

_Then Makoto suddenly stood up._

_Rin gave Makoto a confused look. “Where are you going Makoto?”_

_However, Makoto didn’t answer him, because he was already lost in his thoughts. Even though he didn’t remember due to stress and fear until that moment, he could now remember the conversation which they made before they went to sleep last night. He just hoped that he wasn’t late._

* * *

**_“There is no outside for me anymore.” Haru looked at the sky through Makoto’s small window._ **

**_“Don’t say that.” Makoto began playing with Haru’s hair._ **

**_“But it is true...” Haru let out a sigh. “I want to see the Iwatobi cliff again… Because I almost forgot the smell of the sea.”_ **

**_“You will be able to see the cliff again.” Makoto tried to reassure Haru, but he didn’t know if he could make it._ **

* * *

_“Makoto wait!” Rin called out behind, but Makoto didn’t stop. He was so focused on finding Haru that he was blind and deaf to something else._

_‘Please… I hope I can be in there on time…’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Makoto be able to find Haru in time?   
> We will see in the next chapter?


	15. Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto finally found Haru and after that he tried his best to help Haru.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “I gave up on everything for a long time ago.” Haru continued talking. “Then I met with you and you are everything I want and need, but whenever I try to think about a future together, my imagination goes wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!  
> This chapter may contain some triggers. If you don't like it or affected easily, please don't read the chapter.  
> As it gets closer to the final, the plot may be darker and more angsty.

_When Makoto reached the Iwatobi cliff, he found Haru was laying on the grass._

_His heart began beating fast in worry as he was checking Haru to see if he had any injuries. When he saw that Haru wasn’t injured, he sighed in relief._

_He gently shook Haru. “Haru, can you hear me?”_

_Haru slowly opened his eyes. “Makoto…” His voice was shaking because of the cold. Makoto wrapped his coat around Haru’s body and picked him up._

_Haru blushed. Normally, he didn’t like to be carried around like a child, but he was too weak to walk by himself. That’s why he let Makoto to carry him._

_Makoto opened the car’s door and put Haru to the passenger seat. After he sat on the driver seat he began talking. “Do you have any idea about how much I was worried for you?”_

_“I’m sorry…” That was all Haru could say._

_Makoto frowned. No he wasn’t going to be kind this time. He was physically and mentally tired. He was physically tired because of searching for Haru long hours. He was mentally tired because of all the worry. “Is this all you can say? I looked everywhere looking for you for hours and you only say that you are sorry!”_

_Haru couldn’t answer. How could he? Makoto had every right to be mad at him._

_Makoto sighed. “I’m sorry for yelling at you… I was just too worried about you.”_

_“I know…” Haru said and cleared his throat. “Makoto… I want to talk to you.”_

_“I’m listening.” Makoto said._

_Haru took a deep breath before he began talking. It was a hard subject to talk. “Makoto… You know that I love you too much and I want to be everything you deserve and I want to give you the life you deserve…” His voice became weaker and weaker as he kept on talking, because he knew it was impossible for him to give Makoto the life he deserved. “I want to do little things which most people do to show you how much you mean to me, but I don’t know if I can do this.”_

_Makoto was speechless. He was just listening to Haru._

_“I gave up on everything for a long time ago.” Haru continued talking. “Then I met with you and you are everything I want and need, but whenever I try to think about a future together, my imagination goes wrong.”_

_“Why?” Makoto asked. He couldn’t stay silent anymore._

_“I know that you would do anything to make me happy, but you don’t understand what you will get yourself into.” Haru explained._

_“Haru… Like you said, I would do anything for you.” Makoto held Haru’s hand._

_“This is what I’m scared of… I don’t want this Makoto… Because I can’t drag you down with myself. The more you love me, the more you will get hurt.” Haru couldn’t talk clearly because of the sobs._

_Makoto held one of Haru’s hands, refusing to let go. “I don’t care about any of this. I just want to be with you Haru.”_

_Haru wiped his tears with his free hand and smiled. “Thank you Makoto, but... What if everything goes wrong?”_

_Makoto pecked Haru’s cheek. “Nothing will go wrong.”_

_“Are you sure about this?” It was obvious Haru didn’t believe this at all, but Makoto was going to do everything to prove this to Haru._

* * *

_“I’m sorry Makoto…” Haru was shy as they were in his room in the mental ward again._

_Makoto held Haru’s hand and rubbed it with his thumb. “This illness is not your fault, Haru,” he said reassurringly. Dissociative identity disorder was serious, time consuming and exhausting. Makoto knew this very well and helped people to develop some strategies to cope with it. First step of it was ending the shame. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are. This shame destroys self worth and self love.”_

_“I’m ashamed of these voices in my head…” Haru admitted and blushed._

_Makoto patted Haru’s head lovingly. “There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to get rid of the dissociative identity disorder, first thing you should do is ending the shame, okay?”_

_Haru nodded his head. “Okay.”_

_“The second step is building your knowledge,” Makoto began explaining. “If you want, I can bring books for you about dissociative identity disorder.” Maybe they didn’t bring sharp objects in mental ward, but there was no problem about bringing books._

_“Okay, it would be good. I’m bored looking at those walls all day,” Haru sighed._

_Of course Makoto couldn’t know how being in a mental ward feels._

_Makoto blushed in shame and immediately changed the subject. “The third step is finding calm and relaxation.” However, Makoto didn’t know how._

_“Makoto… Just bring me some pictures of sea scenes.” Haru found the solution himself._

_Makoto smiled. “Of course.” He was happy that Haru was also trying to get rid of this situation._

_“Next step?” Haru asked._

_“The next step is starting planning and organising. I noticed because of your unpredictable amnesia, you forget taking your medicines. So note the time when you take medicines. I know how forgetting things can be detrimental,” Makoto said._

_“Yeah,” Haru nodded his head. “From now on I will be more careful.”_

_“Also don’t forget about developing emergency strategies. Self soothing methods will make you feel safe. If you need me you have my number or tell the security to call me.” Makoto said._

_Haru chuckled. “You are like a mother, Makoto.”_

_Makoto chuckled as well. “Yeah, maybe it is because I have two younger siblings. By the way it is important to communicate with other people.”_

_“You are the only one person who listens me without getting bored,” Haru said nonchalantly and hugged Makoto, resting his head against Makoto’s chest. Because as long as he had Makoto in his life, the rest didn’t matter._

_Makoto just patted Haru’s back. “I will be always with you Haru.”_

_Haru smiled just said “I know.”_

_He couldn’t tell anything else._

_He kissed Makoto and cupped his face after pulling away. “I know,” he said again and rubbed Makoto’s bottom lip with his thumb._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Romance is getting this story over!   
> I never planned like this, but it happened lol!   
> I hope I will write more angsty stories in the future hahah!


	16. Somebody To Die For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto was not a nice person in the past.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ However, he wanted to change.   
> He wanted to be good for Haru. He wanted to be good for their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!   
> This chapter contains bullying! If you don't like or are affected easily, please don't read the chapter!   
> I didn't like this chapter no matter how many times I edited -_-!   
> So I'm sorry.

_Makoto wasn’t the nicest person who ever lived._

_He was charming, engaging and kind, that’s why people loved him. At least they loved the face which he show to them. Actually he was arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, cruel and vindictive._

_He was jealous if someone was better than him. He wanted to be the best. He must have been the best. If he saw someone who is better than him, he would make them regret. There was a memory which was still haunting him._

_When he was in the secondary school there was a girl named Himari. She was the best in the class and this fact was driving Makoto insane. He should have been the one who is always the best. That’s why he wanted revenge and he knew how he was going to do this._

* * *

_Himari always loved doing jogging in the evenings._

_Makoto and his sidekicks, Nagisa and Rei, were hiding in a corner and waiting for the right time._

_When they saw Himari, they stopped in front of her._

_Himari took the headphones off and gave them a confused look. “What do you want?”_

_Rei smirked. “Makoto senpai wanted us to teach you a lesson.”_

_“Why?” Himari tried to control her voice. She was scared and confused._

_“Because you are better than him,” Nagisa explained._

_“I don’t understand…” Himari stuttered while she was still walking backwards until her back hit someone’s chest. She turned around in fear and her eyes met with Makoto’s hateful green eyes._

_She tried to move away from Makoto, but Nagisa and Rei held her arms tightly. “Let me go!” Himari screamed causing Rei and Nagisa to laugh, but Makoto was not laughing which was making the situation more nervous for Himari._

_Makoto approached Himari and slapped her. Himari winced in pain. Her cheek was already red. “This is the first warming for you and if this happens again, there will be more outcomes for you. Even if you go to another school I will find you and ruin your life.”_

_Himari nodded her head immediately. “Okay! Okay! Just let me go please…”_

_Rei and Nagisa looked at Makoto. Makoto nodded his head. When they let her go, Himari ran away without looking back and after that day she became so paranoid that she began getting worse grades and her grades kept getting worse and worse during the school period. After first period ended and second period started no one saw or heard anything from Himari ever again._

_Back then Makoto felt satisfied with himself for what he did since he was going to be the best of the class again, but right now he felt ashamed for what he did. If he could turn back to that time or he knew where Himari was he would apologize from her. He knew apologizing wouldn’t fix what he did in the past, but he needed something to comfort his conscience._

* * *

_There were a lot of reasons why Makoto was a narcissistic individual back then._

_When you are just a child, you are tend to be more cruel than teenagers. When Makoto was in the primary school, ganging and bullying were common among the children. Makoto was one of the children who were being bullied constantly._

_That was when Makoto noticed there was no place in the world for the weak ones. That’s why he decided nothing would be the same in the secondary school._

_Since he was weak in the primary school, he was always bullied by the stronger kids, but it was over now. He was not that helpless child anymore and he wouldn’t let anyone to hurt him anymore._

* * *

_Makoto managed to create the effect. In other people’s opinion, Makoto was perfect. He was extremely special. He was the smartest in the class. All girls and boys admired him._

_Except for Haruka Nanase._

_Everyone in the school thought Haru was weird. All he could do was drawing in a corner. He was not interested in Makoto or anyone else in general._

_Makoto hated Haruka Nanase with his guts. How dare he couldn’t love Makoto while everyone else does?_

* * *

_“Ummm… Makoto… Can you wait for a second?” Makoto gazed down the stuttering boy condescendingly. Actually he was satisfied when he saw the emotionless boy of the school was feeling like that around him. He could swear that he could hear Haru’s heartbeats._

_“Oh, Makoto senpai, it seems like someone wants to be friends with you.” Rei was also gazing Haru with a humiliating look and Haru was clenching his fists as if he was restraining himself from hitting Rei._

_Makoto motioned Rei and Nagisa to go. After they walked away Makoto looked at Haru, but he didn’t bother himself to give him the kind look which he usually give to the other people. Because, in his opinion, Haru didn’t deserve his kindness. “What do you want Nanase?” He asked with an annoyed voice._

_He could see how Haru was hesitant now. This made him even more satisfied. He saw Haru gulped. “I-I love you Makoto.”_

_Makoto was surprised, but it was just for one second. He chuckled. “Who doesn’t?”_

_“N-No… I mean… I’m in love with you…” Haru was stuttering. It was something else which is surprising for Makoto. Haru was always cold and uninterested to the other people._

* * *

_Even if Makoto felt a little flattered when he heard this, he didn’t show. He was not a disgusting gay! There was no way that he was gay! Makoto punched Haru. Because of the punch, Haru lost his balance and fell onto the ground. “Where did you get the idea of I’m a disgusting gay?” He chuckled and began walking to his home without leaving Haru motionless in pain and didn’t even look at him._

* * *

_Makoto was also regret for that day._

_He deserved everything Haru did to him. Because he was a disgusting person. Love required empathy and compassion. When you love someone you show concern to them, but Makoto was selfish, hurtful and cold. He didn’t deserve someone as great as Haru._

_However, he wanted to change._

_He wanted to be good for Haru. He wanted to be good for their relationship._

_These thoughts ran through his mind while he was watching Haru’s sleeping. He ran his hand through Haru’s hair. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Haru.” He had a feeling that Haru was hiding something from him, but he was going to protect Haru no matter what._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru can't take the world's abuse anymore.


	17. No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru can't take this world's abuse anymore so he made a cunning plan.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ Makoto…   
> I’m sorry, but I have no reason to stay in here. I don’t even have a reason to be alive. I know that I won’t ever be able to get out of that shitty place. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life between those walls.   
> I can’t live in there no more.   
> I can’t take it no more… I can’t…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!   
> This chapter contains suicidal thoughts. If you don't like or are affected easily, please don't read the chapter.

_11.57 pm…_

_‘Last three minutes…’ Haru thought to himself. He had waited that far and he could wait for just three more minutes._

_‘Makoto will find the note I left for him…’ He thought._

_Makoto…_

_When he thought about Makoto’s face, he wanted to cry._

_‘I wish I could see him one last time…’ He thought to himself, but he knew he would give up if he saw Makoto and it was too late to give up._

_11.58 pm…_

_Why didn’t the time company with him? It was too slow…_

_Maybe the God was giving him some time to re-think about what he was about to do, but Haru thought enough. He had been planning this for a long time and until that moment Haru never gave up on his plans._

_11.59 pm…_

_Just one more minute._

_He was literally counting the seconds impatiently._

_3… 2… 1…_

_00.00 am!_

_The time had come finally! Haru took a pack of cigarette which he stole from one of the doctors. He light one of the cigarettes and he blew the smoke at the sensor. As soon as he blew the smoke out the sensor was activated and the fire alarms began ringing in a deafening sound. Before activating the sensor he caused one of the electrical appliances to short circuit, causing a power outage. This was going to make him more time._

_It wasn’t too late until every patient heard the alarms and screaming running toward the exit, thinking that a fire occured, but unlike them, Haru didn’t run toward the exit. He knew one of the doors was locked to prevent the patients go out. That’s why he headed to a window as the red lights were flashing and the deafening sound of the alarms were still continuing._

_The window was locked as he expected. For the first time in his life, he was happy for being a dangerous psychopath. He grabbed something and broke the window._

_As soon as he sneaked out of the window. He began running. He didn’t have much time until the other doctors notice that there was no fire and he escaped. He began running._

* * *

_“Then what was the reason for the power cut?” Nurse Akemi asked._

_The brunette doctor sighed and answered her question. “Someone caused a short circuit in one of the electrical appliances.”_

_The young nurse was surprised. “Who could have done this?”_

_“Someone who is not in the hospital anymore.” The doctor said simply._

* * *

_The police found a pack of cigarette near the fire sensitive sensors. After everything calmed down, the doctors started checking the patients and saw who was missing: Haruka Nanase. No one was surprised though._

_“Call the cops!” The chief doctor ordered. “I will have a serious talk with doctor Tachibana when he is here.”_

* * *

_Makoto couldn’t sleep that night. He was turning around in his bed. He didn’t know why, but he was nervous and feeling his stomach sick. He had a feeling that something bad was going to happen and no matter what he did, he couldn’t shake this feeling off._

_He jumped when his phone began ringing, cutting his thoughts. His heart was beating fast. He gasped for air before reaching his phone. It was Rin. Why was he calling in such a late hour._

_“Rin what happened?” Makoto’s palms were sweating because of his worry._

_“Haru escaped from the mental ward, again,” Rin sighed in annoyance. “I thought he came to your place.”_

_“No, he is not in my place…” Makoto began panicking. As if there was also something else which Rin wanted to tell and it was like he was hesitating. “Rin?” Makoto called out curiously._

_After a few seconds of silence, Rin finally told. “You may be in trouble tomorrow…”_

_Makoto didn’t really care about this._

* * *

_“You told me that your cure was successful!” The chief doctor slammed his fist against the table making Makoto flinch._

_However, Makoto didn’t back down. “My cure is successful.” He spoke through gritted teeth. “Maybe it is your fault that he wants to run away from the mental ward!” He couldn’t restrain himself anymore and was yelling at the chief doctor. When you don’t know if your loved one is fine or not, you don’t care about anything else._

_“How it is our fault?” The chief doctor gazed Makoto with a humiliating look._

_“Maybe if you didn’t treat him like a trash, he wouldn’t constantly ran away from the hospital.” Without waiting to see the chief doctor’s reaction, Makoto left the room and slammed shut the door. Now that he took his anger out, he felt a little better, but he needed to find Haru immediately._

_He went into the room which Haru was staying hoping that he could find something. Something useful… Something which can lead him to Haru._

_He felt weird when he went into Haru’s room without Haru inside. As if Haru was, even though he didn’t want to think about that word, dead... All of his clothes were folded. “Where are you Haru?” He whispered. As if the room was colder now. Or it was always that cold, but Makoto couldn’t notice before._

_He looked around and saw the envelope which was left on Haru’s bed. He picked the envelope and opened it with shaking hands. It was hard to read the letter through his teary eyes. Some stained spots on the paper was showing that Haru was also crying while he was writing this letter._

* * *

****

**_Makoto…_ **

**_I’m sorry, but I have no reason to stay in here. I don’t even have a reason to be alive. I know that I won’t ever be able to get out of that shitty place. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life between those walls._ **

**_I can’t live in there no more._ **

**_I can’t take it no more… I can’t…_ **

**_I can’t stand it no more…_ **

**_Please understand me and don’t cry after me when I die. Because I’m not someone who is worthy to be sad over._ **

**_I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you we won’t have a future together._ **

**_Just know that I love you and I will always love you even if I’m gone._ **

* * *

****

_The letter fell onto the ground as soon as Makoto stormed out of the room._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter:   
> Will Makoto be able to save Haru again this time?


	18. Never Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto is looking for Haru everywhere for the second time.   
> Will he be able to save Haru this time or will it be too late?  
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ If only… If only Haru talked with him yesterday… If only he could notice Haru’s weird behavior yesterday… Everything could have been different right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter may be triggering for some people. So if you don't like or are affected easily, please don't read the chapter.

_It was like dejavu._

_It was the second time that he was looking for Haru everywhere and it was the second time he was worried sick for Haru._

_It was the second time he didn’t know what he should do._

_It was the second time he didn’t know where Haru was._

_Makoto was praying that he was not too late. If only… If only Haru talked with him yesterday… If only he could notice Haru’s weird behavior yesterday… Everything could have been different right now. If they talked one day earlier, Makoto could tell Haru that there was always a hope and he could make through it too._

_It seemed like Makoto’s therapy didn’t make any difference. Despite Makoto’s love… Haru was gone again._

_He had another patients who he needed to take care of, but he didn’t care. Saving Haru was more important. If he could convince Haru that it was not too late for him to have a good life together, everything would be fine._

_No it was not too late. He could still save Haru and they could have a great life together. The only thing he should have done was to convince Haru._

_‘If you can find him in time of course.’_

_Makoto frowned and ignored the voice in his head. The most important thing for him was finding Haru. He was thinking about where Haru could have been, but he really had no idea. He cursed himself that he didn’t know Haru that much._

_‘I will find him on time no matter what.’_

* * *

_At some point, people get to the point when they stop caring._

_Haru was looking at his life and see how was it. It was filled with pain because of the things he experienced. Whenever he looked at the future… He couldn’t see anything. Every day he wake up and wished he could sleep for the rest of the day. However, he was continuing living for Makoto._

_He knew how much Makoto loved him and he felt like maybe living was not bad at all, but he didn’t feel like that anymore. Yes, he had great moments with Makoto, but was it really worth it to keep on living?_

_He was in somewhere which he was familiar from his childhood, maybe the only place where he had happy moments with his parents, but it was somewhere Makoto didn’t know. At least he hoped so. Because he didn’t want to be found by anyone. Especially not by Makoto. He wished he could see Makoto one last time at least._

_As if the God pitied on him for the first time._

_He could see all the sweet moments which he spent with Makoto. These were the times which they were happy together. There were no sad moments._

_The first time he saw Makoto…_

_He was caught on rain and while he was so cute while he was holding his coat, trying to get warm. His cheeks and nose were red because of the cold. That could have been the cutest thing Makoto ever seen and it was beautiful to see this one more time._

_The time he saw Makoto as his doctor… How he was tense when he saw Haru and also how he was affected by him at the same time. How could he think that he hated him?_

_The time Makoto stroked his hair after he had a breakdown and the time he returned Haru’s kiss. Haru never felt that special before._

_The first time he sneaked out of the hospital to see Makoto. He said to Makoto ‘I won’t let anyone to take you away from me again, Makoto.’ He knew he should have been more smarter than that. Because people shouldn’t talk big words when they are not sure about their future._

_Every moment which they spent together was going through his mind._

_Every conversation they shared was running through his head._

_‘Thank you for having a mercy on me for once.’ Haru smiled sadly and looked up to the sky._

_He was in the moment when he didn’t care about anything. It was like he lost all of his feelings. He didn’t care about the sadness which he will leave behind. He didn’t care about the good times anymore. He still loved Makoto. He loved him so much that he could die for him. This fact never changed, but he didn’t love himself anymore. He was seeing himself as a burden for everyone. He didn’t love life anymore. Because life was always a cruel bitch for him._

_In that moment, he was so overwhelmed that he didn’t love anything enough to endure the psychological pain he went through._

* * *

_Makoto was incredibly tired. He didn’t know how many times had passed and he still couldn’t find Haru. Well the last time he went to them, it didn’t end well, but this time he wasn’t going to leave until he hears something from them._

_He punched the door until a man opened the door. As soon as he saw the man he grabbed the man’s collar. “Look, this time you won’t be able to avoid from me.” He was speaking through his gritted teeth. “Where is Haru?”_

_The father didn’t seem like he was affected by this. He didn’t even answer._

_Makoto shook him violently. “Do you know?” He yelled at him. “You are his father! You should know!”_

_He rolled his eyes and grabbed Makoto’s wrists, pulling them off from his collar. “I don’t see him. I haven’t seen him for seven years.” The fact that he was talking as if nothing happened made Makoto angry. He shrugged his shoulders and that made Makoto angrier than he already was. “I don’t know where he is or where he can be?”_

_Makoto took a deep breath trying to calm down. “Can you at least call me if you hear something about him?” He already knew what his answer was going to be, but he needed to do everything he could._

_The man began laughing. “Why would I hear something about him? He caused a lot of problems in the past and believe me I’m the one who wants him to disappear the most.” He pushed Makoto away from himself. “Now, go away from here.” He went back inside and slammed shut the door._

_Makoto was about to leave when he heard a woman’s voice. “Wait.”_

_Makoto looked behind and saw Haru’s mother was coming toward him. “Yes?”_

_She couldn’t look at Makoto in the eye. She must have been embarrassed by her behaviors in the past. “There was somewhere we used to go when Haru was a child and there was a cliff...” She was fidgeting her fingers. “Haru always admired the scene.”_

_Makoto didn’t even thank to her. He just went to find Haru._

* * *

_He stopped the car when he reached where Haru was._

_He was standing on the edge._

_“Haru!” Makoto screamed and ran toward Haru._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Makoto be able to convince Haru?


	19. The End Is Not The Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto found Haru. So does that mean their pain ended?   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ “Haru!” Makoto screamed standing a few meters away from his beloved.   
> Haru smiled in sadness. He didn’t even think about how Makoto found him. “Can’t you hear, Makoto? The sea is calling me.” Haru spoke as he was walking closer to the edge. “This is the end Makoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!   
> I decided to update this chapter earlier, because I may not be able to update on Thursday due to my surgery (I hope they won't postpone) hahah!  
> So enjoy :3! 
> 
> Warning! This chapter may be triggering for some people. So if you don't like or affected easily, please don't read the chapter!

_Makoto now understood how the feeling of hopelessness can easily consume someone’s life. Haru had suffered from depression for most of his life and his parents were not the best parents who ever existed. So Haru never had any support. It was really hard to move on when your brain turned against you, but Makoto couldn’t let this._

_“Haru!” Makoto screamed standing a few meters away from his beloved._

_Haru smiled in sadness. He didn’t even think about how Makoto found him. “Can’t you hear, Makoto? The sea is calling me.” Haru spoke as he was walking closer to the edge. “This is the end Makoto.”_

_“No Haru…” Makoto’s voice cracked. “This is not the answer just because you are going through depression. You shouldn’t give up now Haru!” Makoto screamed. “Everything will get better eventually and you are destroying the chances for this!”_

_Haru clenched his fists. He hated this stupid cliché. When someone is suicidal, they are don’t care about ‘the things will get better’ stuff. Suicide was his only way to stop the chances of things getting worse. “Go fuck yourself!” Haru screamed at Makoto. “What do you know? Every day is just shittier than the last! Now I will make all of them come to an end!” He walked backwards to the edge. He gave Makoto a sad smile. “Goodbye Makoto.” With that he let himself to fall._

_Makoto screamed and ran toward him when Haru let himself to fall. Fortunately, he managed to catch Haru’s wrist._

_“Let go of me!” Haru screamed._

_“No!” Makoto screamed back at him. “I won’t let you die!”_

_“You don’t understand…” Tears were streaming down Haru’s cheeks. “The voices in my head torment me everyday. It is too much that it is hard to bear it. I feel hopeless and worthless… You say you love me, but I don’t understand why you love me. Nothing about me is perfect… There are a lot of pain in my life. Yes, there are some joy too, but joy never lasted long. Pain is always there…”_

_“I can help you Makoto… There are a lot of things we will experience…” Makoto was begging to Haru._

_“It’s too late now, Makoto…” However, Haru was still persistent about not giving up on his idea._

_Makoto sighed and tried one more time. “You think I don’t know that you haven’t experienced any peace in your life. I also know this cause you fear of continue living.”_

_Haru was listening Makoto without saying anything._

_Makoto understood he was making some positive progress, so he continued. “I know you still carry every bad things you experienced with you and these things left scars in your soul, but don’t believe that voices in your head when they tell you there is no thing such as peace.”_

_Haru wasn’t reacting Makoto’s words at all._

_Makoto didn’t know if it is a good sign or not. That’s why he continued talking. “When all your reasons to be alive or feel good fall, I will always stay here to help you, I will take your place.”_

_“Makoto… I…” Haru began talking, but became silent immediately since he didn’t know what he could say. Makoto’s words were so beautiful… They were the most beautiful words which someone ever told him._

_“I will wait and be with you until your problems go away and you feel alive again.” Makoto smiled softly, ignoring the fact that his arm became tired. “When it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I will be there to give you the strength you need. Together no one can defeat us. Please Haru…” Makoto begged. “Don’t destroy our chance to be happy together. I can show you how to live again.”_

_Haru remained silent, but then looked into Makoto’s eyes. “Yes.”_

_Makoto smiled and pulled Haru up._

_Haru hugged Makoto tightly._

_Makoto hugged back, refusing to let him go._

_“I love you Makoto.” Haru snuggled into Makoto’s chest._

_Makoto smiled and kissed the top of Haru’s head. “I love you more, Haru.”_

* * *

_After that horrible day, they both were bond to each other even more. With Makoto’s help, Haru was able to released from the mental ward eventually after 7 years. However, they still had struggles._

_Whenever Haru was not in a depression, he was totally a different person. When he was not depressed he was a true lover and a true best friend. He was always there for Makoto, listening his problems and supporting him as much as he could. He would always make little surprises which made Makoto smile._

_During his depression, Haru wouldn’t visit Makoto or allow Makoto to visit him. He wouldn’t even answer the phone, which Makoto bought for him, even if he did, he was doing that reluctantly. He was giving Makoto short answers which make him even more worried._

_He ignored Makoto’s messages which he could see in the preview. He was just deleting them. During his depressed times, Makoto was a true caretaker for him. He was the pillar which Haru leaned on. He was there for Haru even if he was rude to him._

* * *

_Haru also met with Nagisa and Rei too._

_When they talked about the past and apologized, Haru forgave them. There was no meaning of being stuck in the past._

* * *

_“Where are we going Makoto? You know I hate surprises.” Haru pouted._

_“I know, but I also know that you will love this surprise.” Makoto said._

_“Like the time you told that I will love the surprise when you cooked for me?” Haru chuckled._

_Makoto blushed in embarrassment. “It is not my fault that I can’t cook very well, but I’m getting better!”_

_Haru chuckled. “Yes if we can call burning the food ‘better’.”_

_Makoto pouted. “Can we drop this subject?”_

_Haru smiled and kissed Makoto’s cheek. He looked so cute when he pouted. “Okay, don’t make that face. I won’t make you shy anymore.”_

_There was a childish grin on Makoto’s face. “Still, I won’t tell you the surprise.”_

_This time Haru was the one who pouted._

_Makoto glanced at Haru with the corner of his eye and tried not to laugh at Haru’s reaction. He really loved Haru too much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the finale of the story!


	20. Right Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the ending of this story, but every ending means a new beginning.   
> ╭┈─────── ೄྀ
> 
> ╰┈➤ ‘Happy endings come after a story with lots of ups and downs. You can only reach your happy ending if you are willing to keep going. Makoto is my happy ending. I want to thank Makoto for reminding me that true love still exists.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to publish final earlier, because my surgery was postponed to Monday.   
> I hope you will like the final! Because I didn't heheh!

_Haru looked around. This was somewhere he had never seen in his life before. Makoto held his hand and lead him down to the stairs. Haru followed Makoto without questioning him, Makoto wouldn’t tell him anyway._

_When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Haru saw the most beautiful scene he had seen in his life. They were in a seashore. The sun was setting painting the sky with beautiful colors and the colors of sky were reflected to the sea._

_Haru blinked his eyes. “Why are we here?”_

_Makoto smiled. “It is the most suitable place for my surprise.”_

_Haru was curious. “I wonder what this surprise is.”_

_Makoto got on his knees and it made Haru even more confused. What was he planning? “Marry me, Haru.”_

_Haru gasped when Makoto suddenly said this. It made him feel like his tongue was tied up and he couldn’t talk._

_“So?” Makoto asked nervously. Maybe Haru was not ready for something like that. When he looked up to Haru, he saw Haru’s eyes were teary. That scared Makoto. “Haru... Did I tell something wrong?”_

_Haru shook his head and wiped his tears away. “No… You didn’t say something wrong. I just wasn’t expecting something like that.”_

_“So are you accepting my proposal?” Makoto asked._

_“Yes.” Haru hugged Makoto. “A million times yes.”_

_Maybe their story didn’t have a beginning like normal love stories, their story reached a happy ending. Everything felt like a dream, but the silver ring on his right finger was the evidence of his happiness was real._

_At that moment, Makoto was looking at him as if he was the most important person in the world._

* * *

_As the time passed, their love became more stronger._

_They were walking hand to hand in the streets. They loved surprising people by telling them they were engaged. Of course some people were criticizing them or telling them to burn in the hell, but they never cared about any of these kind of things._

_Haru made a lot of mistakes in the past yes, but right now he didn’t want to think about the past and ruin the moment which they lived together. There was no meaning for ruining the moment by thinking about the past._

_Makoto already stole his heart and kept it safe. Makoto always found a way to make Haru smile. Even hearing Makoto’s name would make Haru smile._

* * *

_“I can’t believe we are doing this!” Haru yelled, so Makoto could hear him in the thunder._

_“Come on! It is fun!” Makoto did the same._

_“You are crazy!” Haru rolled his eyes._

_Makoto had a few days off. They wanted to spend time together as much as possible. They had decided to go on a walk that day. Haru didn’t like extremely romantic dates. Going for walks which they can be alone together was romantic for him. Soon after, the rain ruined their walk. However, it didn’t bother Makoto at all. He literally forced Haru to dance with him under the rain. Well... If you can call this as ‘dancing’. When Haru understood Makoto wasn’t going to give up, he eventually joined him and laughed._

_It didn’t matter how much it was crazy. Makoto had showed him that life is actually worth for living with these little things. He was everything Haru needed to survive. Makoto made Haru extremely happy even though Haru used to think happiness and love were only found in fairy tales._

* * *

_Even though Haru fully recovered from the disorder, he still had hard times with sleeping. He had tried a lot of things, but some of them wouldn’t work. Makoto would make the bedroom comfortable for Haru as much as possible._

_That was Haru’s favourite part of Makoto. Makoto was doing his best to calm Haru’s mind and soul down. He was like a bright star which lights Haru’s dark sky._

_As Haru was reading, Makoto had dimmed the lights for Haru so he would be comfortable, he was watching Makoto’s sleeping. Haru smiled softly as he brushed Makoto’s hair back. Makoto had accepted him despite his flaws._

* * *

_“Did you know that I always wanted to reach out people like me to show them there is always a happy ending?” Haru said. He never thought he would be released from the mental ward, but he had promised to himself that if he was able to get out of the ward someday, he was going to reach out to the people who needs help somehow._

_“How do you want to do that?” Makoto asked._

_“I don’t know, maybe I should write everything I experienced.” Haru said jokingly._

_“This is a good idea.” Unlike Haru, Makoto was extremely serious. “You should definitely do this.”_

_“H-How?” Haru asked. “I don’t know how to do that.”_

_Makoto gave a loving smile to Haru and held his hand. “I will help you and will do everything I can to help you.”_

_Haru hugged Makoto tightly. That was another evidence of Makoto was Haru’s true love. Makoto had always supported Haru’s decisions and he was there to fix everything when something went wrong and now he was there to encourage Haru to turn his plan to the action. Haru knew that Makoto would be there forever for Haru just like Haru was going to be there for him._

_Makoto kept his promise. He helped Haru through his research and stayed up all night with him. That was when Haru noticed something else about love. It was not only about just saying ‘I love you’ or such lovely words, it was also about supporting each other and making sacrifices. They both did that for each other._

_As long as Makoto was by his side, there was nothing Haru couldn’t do._

* * *

_It had been a year since Haru began writing and updating it weekly on his own blog._

_‘I want to dedicate this work to my best friend and the love of my life, Makoto Tachibana. He was my biggest support during this project. If he wasn’t there for me, I would never be able to do that.’_

_He didn’t expected, but people were really interested in his work and they were really affected by Haru’s writing. He had a lot of support from his friends and even from strangers._

_Now they were sitting on the garden. It was a warm evening._

_Sousuke was talking with Rin and Rei and Nagisa were chatting._

_Haru felt Makoto was holding his hand. “I’m so happy.” Makoto smiled._

_Haru gave a gentle squeeze to Makoto. “Thank you Makoto.” He returned Makoto’s smile._

_Makoto blinked his eyes in confusion. “For what?” He asked curiously._

_“For everything,” Haru started, “For not giving up on me even though I was cruel to you at times, for always being my side, for your unconditional support and most importantly for loving me.”_

_When Haru finished talking tears of happiness began flowing down Makoto’s eyes and he connected their lips. Haru closed his eyes as he kissed Makoto back._

_‘Happy endings come after a story with lots of ups and downs. You can only reach your happy ending if you are willing to keep going. Makoto is my happy ending. I want to thank Makoto for reminding me that true love still exists.’ These were last sentences of Haru’s work._

_However, that didn’t mean it was their end._

_After all every end is a new beginning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!   
> That was the final of Habromania which is my first MakoHaru fanfiction.   
> Actually, I never planned this story as romantic or never thought it would be a happy ending, but it happened.   
> First, I want to thank to the people who left kudos and read my story until the end.   
> I want to especially thank to @ImmediatelyWriting whom I gifted this work to for her support. You are one of my best friends! I love you!   
> Second, if there are people who struggle with depression around, I hope they will read. I know sometimes living can be difficult. It is not easy for me too, it is not easy for anyone. We cannot know what people live in their inner world. Everyone has their own hard times, but there is always a hope. There is always a reason to keep on living and everyone can make this. It will be okay eventually. Believe me, it will. It is never too late to make everything great. All you could is not giving up. Just like Haru said, happy endings come after a story with lots of ups and downs. You can only reach your happy ending if you are willing to keep going.   
> I love you all!   
> See you later in my another works!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> This is my first MakoHaru fiction! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> I will explain what Dissociative Identity Disorder mean for those who don't know! 
> 
> This discomfort, which is a kind of personality disintegration, is a serious discomfort. People with this disease have a hard time gathering their consciousness, memory and identity in one personality. The person has their primary identity and other identities. The primary identity of the person appears more as a passive character. Other identities each have a story, an image of identity. The number of identities revealed in the person may be 2 or tens.
> 
> Significant symptoms appear in multiple personality disorder. Symptoms of multiple personality disorders are symptoms that sick people can observe, not themselves.
> 
> People who have this disease are often not aware of the disease. They live each personality as their true personality. What are the symptoms of multiple personality disorders can be listed as follows;
> 
> The difference is the existence of identities,  
> Determining behaviors by different identities,  
> Disconnection between memories and behavior,  
> Flash-backs experience,
> 
> Behavior and conversations are not remembered,  
> Overstimulated, vigilant,  
> Sleep problems,  
> Physical complaints such as headache, stomach pain,  
> Eating disorders,  
> Suicide attempt,  
> Unhappiness can be in the form of depressive symptoms, such as pleasure.
> 
> Those patients should be observed by a doctor for at least 7 years.
> 
> You can ask me if you wonder anything! 
> 
> Notes: I made some changes while writing this (for example Sousuke's shoulder and Makoto's key chain). I hope you don't mind it!


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